Do not cast away therefore your boldness

I don't mean to be negative- but there have been so many things that frustrate me.

Not only am I under a lot of pressure (housing, work, and so on) but also my companies and I have been praying for the Lord to open a way for us for a long time but nothing happens.

I remember that one day I was just totally falling apart. Too many things that I was trying to sort out did not work and at the same time, the Lord did not open the way as we prayed. I was just so exhausted, so fed up with everything, and not knowing what to do. I just cried and cried a lot. It seemed that my mental capacity had reached the peak that I couldn't even think. Even if I tried to pray, I could not. I didn't know how to pray about the situation. I was just crying out to Him and tell Him that "I really cannot take this anymore, Lord, save me". Well, my wording was far more desperate. I was so desperate to a point that I would rather give up my life just to go through that situation.

I still don't know how the Lord will arrange for me, but I am really tired. Several times this week, I feel that I will not be able to go on in Him unless He shows mercy, and the Lord used the words in Hebrews to encourage me again.

My 17th anniversary with You

I have been thinking to post some enjoyment to remember my 17th anniversary with the Lord but somehow I find it difficult to articulate what I've been enjoying. I'll probably grasp another opportunity to write down what I've received from the Lord.

There are still some feelings I'm struggling with. Oh Lord, but recently I've been enjoying this hymn- Divine Romance. To be honest, since I was a young person, we sang it frequently and I kinda getting tired of this hymn. I picked up this hymn again and realised that this hymn contains and describes a lot of my recent feeling.

I just want to consecrate myself to You, Lord. For I do not know where I will be going, and I don't know how my life will look like and end up with. I'm here asking You to draw me day by day. Sorry for being distracted from the vision. It's really not me who can follow You, but Your mercy, grace, and preserving power that keeps me all the way. Draw me more and more, Lord, so I don't just follow You in an ordinary or careless way but follow You by running toward Your love.


This divine romance
Is My heart’s deep plan,
I became a lowly man
To court My country girl.

Nothing could deter,
Nothing can alter
My eternal love for her;
I’ll gain My country girl.
___________________

In Your love I’m drawn,
To You I belong;
I am not my own, Lord,
I’m Yours alone.

By Your love I’m drawn,
In Your name I’m charmed,
And Your Person captured me,
For I’ve been kissed by Thee.

Thank You, Lord, for courting me. I believe it's the time to respond to Your love, once again. I love You :) 

Great is Thy faithfulness

This hymn suddenly came to me today. Interestingly, it had been a long while I hadn't sung this hymn.

I'm still struggling with my funding and I have spent a long time today searching for new opportunities which I can apply for. Then in the evening, this hymn came to me and I simply started with "Great is Thy faithfulness, Great is Thy faithfulness". I couldn't remember exactly how this song goes so I checked it online and started to sing it.

O God my Father! How sweet when I called Him "my Father".

In my lifetime so far, I have thought thousands of times that, if I had a dad, my life can be so much easier. However, when I sang "O God my Father", I immediately sensed a deeper presence of God.
He's my Father, who "changest not and there's no shadow of turning with Him". Such a wonderful One, is my Father.

I choose life

I've been "seriously" wrtiting up my dissertation since the begining of Agugust, and of course, I've been prepraring the research since the begining of this year. A lot of try and error involved in the process. So in these two days, probably because I'm aware that it's my final stage of my dissertation, I become too relax and my mind isn't that sharp anymore (I think researchers know what I'm talking about...). And as I get more relaxed, my mind started wondering around many things. That's probably why I felt dull this morning. 

Before I came to the bible, I firstly asked the Lord what's going on with the dull feeling. And as I asked Him to clense me, I got a feeling that I just need to put aside everything, even my feelings, just come to Him as who I am. He's a living person, and I'm ready to seek Him. Seek and I shall find.

You never change

The progress of my essay doesn't work very well. I also went back to check but felt not confident about what I've written. I felt an anxiety attack occurred to me (but most likely was due to my PMS). I told the Lord "I can't do it anymore. I don't know how to do it and I feel really bad, please comfort me". Then the verse I read yesterday came to me. 

And do not be fashioned according to this age, but be transformed by the renewing of the mind that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and well pleasing and perfect. (Romans 12:2)