The nature of a PhD journey, and my practice to disconnect the identity as a PhD

I just had a chat with my colleagues and realised the nature of a PhD indeed cause a lot of stress for us. The fact is, regardless of how you have been acknowledged in other areas of your work, you will still find the PhD journey difficult. You might still be criticised that you are not working hard enough and so on. This happens almost every day, and all of us are very discouraged.

I had a thought that in order to resolve the stress from the research work yet still work it very well, I have to learn to disconnect from my identity as a researcher. I am going to do an experiment about this, and see how it might soothe the stress from work. When a work does not define you or become your identity, you might less likely feel attacked by the criticisms. 

The example of Joseph

Probably because I have been struggling with my work and considering the future direction, the Lord has been reminding me of the example of Joseph in Genesis in the recent week.

There are several things that I touched, but I will just put the message I listened to this evening (https://tinyurl.com/yyw8nbak).

It was quite an enlightening message for young adults. The flesh, self, and natural concepts need to be dealt with via losing our soul life.

I enjoy several practical points including our work attitudes need to be perfected, our relationships with God and men shall be full of peace, and we shall pursue to grow in life.

One of the examples is the Joseph in Genesis. He had been dealt with by various situations arranged by the wise and loving God, and eventually, he became a person of life who provided food to save those who came to Him.

These practices pretty much define whether we can be used for the Lord to turn this age. Oh Lord, don't want to be left out.

The day marrying Christ - (2)

Following the last post, as brother Nee fellowshipped, "There must be a definite date to our consecration, in the same way that there is a definite date to a girl's marriage." I then realised that I had never consecrated myself in such a way. Of course, when I first heard the gospel and entered into the church life, I wanted to follow the Lord. As I had gone to various meetings and conferences, it is not a new thing for me to "consecrate" myself to the Lord. I had consecrated myself to Him in many things and ways, and when I read this portion, I realised that I had never properly consecrated myself at least once in my life as if I married myself to the Lord.

It so happened that there have been things that I have not been able to get through. So I started to pray to Him and consider the things and the matter of having an absolute consecration to Him. I realised that consecration is closely related to our overcoming life (see the message shared in the last post), and the ability to overcome does not rest upon us. The ability comes from Him and what He had gone through and achieved for us. So I said to the Lord, I'm still hurt, and hurt badly. This affects my energy to work and enjoy the Lord. I have been striving to enjoy the Lord and doing my work. But You know what? I don't intend to struggle anymore. I have the overcoming life in me, and whether I'll still be sad and not having the proper energy to work, it is not my problem. I now make a choice to let You work in me in this matter, and whether I'll be healed or not, it is Your thing now. 

The day marrying Christ -(1)

This evening, I happened to read the Watchman Nee's "Consecration" in Collected Works of Watchman Nee, The (Set 2) Vol. 41, Conferences, messages, and fellowship (1) - message 18.

Several points that I really enjoy.
1) After we experience the overcoming life in us, we then are able to consecrate ourselves.
Many of us think we have consecrated ourselves. However, if we have not experienced the overcoming life, it is not possible to consecrate ourselves- "A Christian first overcomes and then consecrates. If we have broken through in the matter of overcoming, all we have to do today is to consecrate ourselves."

2) The experience of overcoming/victory strengthens us to be obedient to God.
"some think that after one has overcome he does not need to practice obedience anymore. Actually, our overcoming only makes us more able to obey the Lord. Formerly we did not have the strength to obey the Lord. Now that the Lord has accomplished everything for us, we can spontaneously hand over our will and everything to the Lord and allow the Lord to strengthen us with the overcoming life for obedience."

3) The meaning of overcoming/victory- "Victory does not mean just overcoming evil deeds.
Victory means that we no longer live for ourselves but that we live for the Lord while we live on earth every day. We must have the realization that the Lord has purchased us, that we belong to Him, and that we have been married to Him. Those who live in this atmosphere will breathe the heavenly air of holiness. Victory is not a practice of negating things. It is not just a passive deliverance from sin. Victory is an active consecration to the Lord and a fellowship with Him while living on this earth. Unless one reaches this stage, he is not overcoming."

4) Consecrating people, affairs, objects, and ourselves. Amongst them, I am touched by the matter of marrying Christ.
"There must be a definite date to our consecration, in the same way that there is a definite date to a girl's marriage. A girl cannot say, "I think I was married on a certain date." In the same way, we cannot say, "I think I consecrated myself on a certain date." This is something that we need to do before the Lord in a definite way. We should be very clear about this date and never forget it. I consecrated myself to the Lord on February 13, 1922. We can announce our date to others. We can tell those who brought us to the Lord or those who have given us spiritual help. We can even put out an announcement and declare to men as well as to Satan: "I am married to the Lord." Paul said that he had betrothed the Corinthian believers as chaste virgins to the Lord (2 Cor. 11:2)."

Happy Birthday Kate- On the day of 30.

I have too much to reflect on my 20s but I've been busy for the entire day to attend a government event arranged by MOST (Ministry of Science and Technology), and I'm now on the way home via Gatwick Express. 

Considering my 20s, I made a really crazy decision. I heard about the Lord's move to Europe so I decided to come and follow the One I love. I have been struggling in different things- finance, relationships, and the doubt with my ability to become an academic. To the best of my knowledge during that time, I knew that I had no other way to stay in Europe unless I study and become a scholar. 

And today, even on the day of my 30, I still struggle in many of these things. I have to say, the year 2018 is a year that I shed many many tears. I lost count of them, but by the Lord's mercy, I can still love Him. I cannot be confident in myself at all since I know that if without the Lord's mercy, I will definitely fall. Then, by the end of the year, I become much and much busier. The time that I spend with the Lord is less but deep inside of my heart, there is a longing and crying to Him- Lord, I still love You. 

I do not know what is going to happen in my 30s, but Lord, I need Your unreserved self to be with me, to supply me, to encourage me, and become everything I need. I know there are still going to be difficulties and tears. Nevertheless, Lord, increase Yourself even more day by day. 

I love You Lord, and I'm glad that I had "wasted" myself on You in my 20s. I'm glad that I had chosen to follow Your move here although it wasn't my direct vision. I followed because I heard about the encouraging report concerning Europe. Now, I still don't know where to go and how to live my human life but do encourage me to "waste" myself on You in my 30s. 

I love You and I want to follow Your footstep to Germany. Strengthen me, Lord! 

My responsibility is to love You

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).

So when the Lord is working things together for good, my responsibility is to love Him. Lord, thank You for faithfully working Yourself into me in whatever situations I meet. This is the assurance that I can eventually fulfill the calling according to Your wonderful purpose.

Always open to You, and always love You. This is my prayer, Lord.

A reflection of the half of a year in 2018 before heading off for a break

Dear Lord,

Yesterday I finally got a chance to have a proper break. I give myself at least a week to have a rest. Looking back the past half of a year, I was trying too hard to catch up with my work and balance my church life as well. Then I realised that the work-life balance is a lie. There will never be a balance because the world tries to usurp us with many things, and we often struggle with imperfections in our daily life and work. And most important of all, we need to fight for the church life. In both cases, we often feel that we're not doing good enough. I wish I could have done better in my work, and I wish I could have given myself more to the church life to take care of the young ones. However, the reality is that we struggle a lot and fight for it every day. My attitude now is that we don't need perfectionisms, but we need more Christ and grace daily and hourly.

Because of this, we definitely get tired after a while and we need to have a break from everything else and simply rest physically, mentally, and spiritually.

My 'training' in the following two years - FTTPhD

After an intensive weekend. I had a real dealing with the Lord for a thing that had been bothering me for months. And now, I'm set free! By the time I was set free, I realised that it is needed for me to move on and put my consecration into actions now.

I have been considering to go to Germany, but recently I have a feeling that I must put this into an action plan. The reason why I did not manage to do it in the previous months after arriving in  Brighton is that I was not sure what kind of research I can do, and what is the direction of my next step after completing my degree, plus I had spent most of my time adjusting to my new church life in Kingston and trying to balance my research and church life. Everything was uncertain and chaotic, but by the end of May, I started having a relatively concrete idea what I can work on, what my research will be, and so forth.

The primary concern to go to Germany is always about the ability to get a job because it relates to the issue of visa and a way to make a living to support myself in Germany. I have seen so many saints leaving Germany because of the problems finding a job there. In order to equip myself with the skills needed for a job and for the gospel, several things I have in mind will need to be put into action.

First, I have to pick up my German again. Learning the language and understanding the culture will help me gain the real locals. Second, I have to complete my study in the following two years, which is challenging. This includes publishing papers, finishing data collection, analysing data, and writing up my thesis. The third one and probably the most important one about my human learning is the truth and the ministry. The truth is like a weapon, and the ministry makes the blind see. Therefore, concerning my study and human learning, I need to make a plan for these.

At the same time, I realise that I probably will not make it to the full-time training in the following years or even before the Lord's coming back. However, I realise the research job I'm doing is already a training to perfect me in various ways. It trains my character, it trains the weakest part of my being- my will. Additionally, it helps me restrict my emotion and properly trains my mind. The Lord has already provided me with a perfect environment to train my being. It is wonderful. I also have the saints from Kingston where I can join the service and practise church life. How wonderful. Hence, I regard the following two years of PhD as my full-time training and I am going to design my course as follows.

1. German lessons
My goal is to pass the B1 exam in June in 2019. I have around 30 mins in the morning for listening to German class and doing some practices. I just started at the beginner's level so I assume I will need more time when I reach a higher level. I've preserved 50 mins for German studying in my schedule. Of course, I also set my short-term goal to reach A1 and A2 level by self-examination.

2. The Truth 
It is hard to tell how much I have known about the truth since I've been following the church life for a long time and have attended various training since I was a young person. Therefore, I will try to make the schedule simple so that I can follow along with my PhD study.

a. Bible reading 

A chapter a day as a base along with footnotes.

b. Prophesying on the Lord's day
This will help me be constituted with truth and follow tightly with the flow. It will also help my morning revival during the weekdays with an aim to prophesy instead of passively enjoying the Lord.

c. The crucial points of the truth
I appreciate the church in London has made the crucial points ready for me. All I have to do is to dig in and absorb all the riches in the Word.

d. Services
- Bible study in Sussex University
- Tea service + children's service
- Shepherding people by appointments (maintain the current schedule)
- Other potential blending and so forth

3. Complete my PhD with three papers
- paper one- the literature review
- paper two- data collection with small entrepreneurship
- paper three- cognitive frames in small businesses
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Of course, I've been building my characters for a proper human living. I just need to really reach these goals so that I can get myself ready for the Lord's move in Germany.

Thank my dear sister Ieva. May we find Him in our two years of training in our individual pathway. Oh Christ!

Happy birthday and a new consecration

I  rose up this morning feeling a bit tired. After my daily routine, I went out for catching the bus, and finally when I sat down in the waiting room at Polegate station. I turned on my phone searching for the life-study programme today and realised, "Aww, it's my birthday".

It's really not a special day. I still have work to do, and I woke up early as usual. I don't feel energetic because, well, you know, ladies have their monthly visitor.

However, it's kinda special because this year will be the very last year for my 20s. Having thought about how I've been through my 20s, it's really the grace of God. The best thing of my 20s is that I heard the call to move to Europe for further study and I took it in. My early 20s was for my preparation to come to Europe in terms of my language, my funding, and my health. My mid-20 was a bit crazy and confusing but I managed to get over all cultural differences and survived in the UK. Between my mid-and late 20s, the Lord brought me to Cardiff for a healthy church life. The time there I saw the miniature of the reality of the church life. This is really how the church life shall look like in Europe. Small, intimate, full of life and personal care but also being kept in the one fellowship with other localities as the universal Body of Christ. My late 20s has been a frustration but now it seems to get slightly better (hopefully). I've learned, and am still learning how to look upon the Lord for anything I need in order to follow Him.

I'm really thankful.

Lord, make the last year of my 20s still follow You faithfully. I love You and I want to see Your smiling face. May whatever we do today can hasten Your coming. We look forward to seeing You :)

You work with God by a life

Hi Kate,

It's okay to be a bit down and sad. You know you're doing your best among all the struggles. The Lord is faithful, and He'll open the way.

Thank the Lord that this hymn came to me on the way home: