Concerning vows

Num. 30:2 When a man vows a vow to Jehovah or swears an oath to bind himself by pledge, he shall not break his word; he shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth.

Num. 30:7 And her husband hears of it and is silent with respect to her on the day he hears it, then her vows will stand and her pledges by which she has bound herself will stand.

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Lord, although we do not have the right over our vows as You are the One who made the final decisions, I still ask You to bless my heart over the vows.

Through our fellowship, You will eventually find favour of my vows and establish them.
Through the process, may I be infused with You, and You will be moved by my desires to serve You and find favour of my vows. 

Responding to and realising His move

None of us can really know what life will bring us and take us to. 

I put this conversation with Him concerning the recent burden of the church in London to "migrate". To be honest, whether we have a heart is one matter, but what the Lord thinks how we shall respond to this move is another matter. Even today, I still cannot be sure, but when I read the Word this morning, this footnote inspired me. 

"This book (the book of revelation) stresses not only the Spirit of God as the sevenfold intensified Spirit for God's intensified move, but also our human spirit as the organ for us to realize and respond to God's move. Only spirit (our spirit) can respond to Spirit (God's Spirit)... " (Revelation 1:10 ft.1). This partly answers my inquiries to the Lord concerning His move. 

I actually came across this cross-reference for "in spirit" from verse 4:2. "Immediately I was in spirit; and behold, there was a throne set in heaven, and upon the throne there was One sitting". I was touched by the fact that only in our spirit, we can see the throne and see the very dear One whom we fervently love and eagerly await sitting on the throne. If we want to see Him at where we are and in our personal situation, we have to be in our spirit. 

Physically exhausted, but Your presence is here with me

Treu ist Er, der euch beruft, der es auch tun wird. (1. Thessalonicher 5:24)
Faithful is He who calls you, who also will do it. (1 Thes 5:24)

I have been really exhausted physically as the workload becomes heavier. Sometimes, by the end of the day, my Bible reading in the morning feels like something happened two days ago. And while I was having a meeting with my supervisors today, I realised, "hey, it's just Monday, but I feel that it's Thursday now". This is how tiring I am in coping with the work although part of the reasons that I push myself much to complete this is due to my desire to go to Germany. 

I've been picking up German here and there recently although I cannot really spend a good amount of time practising it as I really need to get my PhD done. This includes a lot and a lot of effort. There were moments that I was making fun of myself. "I thought that I come to Europe for the Lord's move, but what am I doing for all the intensive studies here and being isolated from the saints?". Yes, I am so limited in terms of meeting the saints, and my church life is primarily upheld by appointments with the saints, but somehow there is peace within me and the Lord's presence is here with me. I told the Lord a lot of times that I cannot make it, but You have to be faithful to supply me to get through all the process. 

The day marrying Christ - (2)

Following the last post, as brother Nee fellowshipped, "There must be a definite date to our consecration, in the same way that there is a definite date to a girl's marriage." I then realised that I had never consecrated myself in such a way. Of course, when I first heard the gospel and entered into the church life, I wanted to follow the Lord. As I had gone to various meetings and conferences, it is not a new thing for me to "consecrate" myself to the Lord. I had consecrated myself to Him in many things and ways, and when I read this portion, I realised that I had never properly consecrated myself at least once in my life as if I married myself to the Lord.

It so happened that there have been things that I have not been able to get through. So I started to pray to Him and consider the things and the matter of having an absolute consecration to Him. I realised that consecration is closely related to our overcoming life (see the message shared in the last post), and the ability to overcome does not rest upon us. The ability comes from Him and what He had gone through and achieved for us. So I said to the Lord, I'm still hurt, and hurt badly. This affects my energy to work and enjoy the Lord. I have been striving to enjoy the Lord and doing my work. But You know what? I don't intend to struggle anymore. I have the overcoming life in me, and whether I'll still be sad and not having the proper energy to work, it is not my problem. I now make a choice to let You work in me in this matter, and whether I'll be healed or not, it is Your thing now. 

The day marrying Christ -(1)

This evening, I happened to read the Watchman Nee's "Consecration" in Collected Works of Watchman Nee, The (Set 2) Vol. 41, Conferences, messages, and fellowship (1) - message 18.

Several points that I really enjoy.
1) After we experience the overcoming life in us, we then are able to consecrate ourselves.
Many of us think we have consecrated ourselves. However, if we have not experienced the overcoming life, it is not possible to consecrate ourselves- "A Christian first overcomes and then consecrates. If we have broken through in the matter of overcoming, all we have to do today is to consecrate ourselves."

2) The experience of overcoming/victory strengthens us to be obedient to God.
"some think that after one has overcome he does not need to practice obedience anymore. Actually, our overcoming only makes us more able to obey the Lord. Formerly we did not have the strength to obey the Lord. Now that the Lord has accomplished everything for us, we can spontaneously hand over our will and everything to the Lord and allow the Lord to strengthen us with the overcoming life for obedience."

3) The meaning of overcoming/victory- "Victory does not mean just overcoming evil deeds.
Victory means that we no longer live for ourselves but that we live for the Lord while we live on earth every day. We must have the realization that the Lord has purchased us, that we belong to Him, and that we have been married to Him. Those who live in this atmosphere will breathe the heavenly air of holiness. Victory is not a practice of negating things. It is not just a passive deliverance from sin. Victory is an active consecration to the Lord and a fellowship with Him while living on this earth. Unless one reaches this stage, he is not overcoming."

4) Consecrating people, affairs, objects, and ourselves. Amongst them, I am touched by the matter of marrying Christ.
"There must be a definite date to our consecration, in the same way that there is a definite date to a girl's marriage. A girl cannot say, "I think I was married on a certain date." In the same way, we cannot say, "I think I consecrated myself on a certain date." This is something that we need to do before the Lord in a definite way. We should be very clear about this date and never forget it. I consecrated myself to the Lord on February 13, 1922. We can announce our date to others. We can tell those who brought us to the Lord or those who have given us spiritual help. We can even put out an announcement and declare to men as well as to Satan: "I am married to the Lord." Paul said that he had betrothed the Corinthian believers as chaste virgins to the Lord (2 Cor. 11:2)."

the character of the Lord's worker- not being subjective

It's funny that most of the times when I read the ministry, I thought I knew something. But afterward when I started learning it in my experience, I realised that I knew nothing about a particular lesson. And the lesson concerning being not subjective as a Lord's worker is one of the many examples. 

Actually, it is hard to be not subjective. A person who is generally soft and brings harmony among the people might think he or she is not subjective. It is a danger that we think in this way. We can still be very subjective even if we are people who maintain harmony with others. 

It is again a lesson that takes the breaking of the outer man. The breaking often leaves a mark so that we will be not subjective. I know that there are still so much to learn, but I really open to You, Lord. I want to learn spiritual lessons quicker so that You can gain me as a useful vessel.  

May You have a way in me, and through me, You have a way to others as well. Most important of all, may all the experiences we learn and grow will contribute to the Body of Christ. I admit my limitations to see the Body of Christ in full. However, as I grow in You more, I will see and experience more of the reality. Eventually, all these knowing and experiences will mature us and bring You back. 

I love You, Lord! 

Happy Birthday Kate- On the day of 30.

I have too much to reflect on my 20s but I've been busy for the entire day to attend a government event arranged by MOST (Ministry of Science and Technology), and I'm now on the way home via Gatwick Express. 

Considering my 20s, I made a really crazy decision. I heard about the Lord's move to Europe so I decided to come and follow the One I love. I have been struggling in different things- finance, relationships, and the doubt with my ability to become an academic. To the best of my knowledge during that time, I knew that I had no other way to stay in Europe unless I study and become a scholar. 

And today, even on the day of my 30, I still struggle in many of these things. I have to say, the year 2018 is a year that I shed many many tears. I lost count of them, but by the Lord's mercy, I can still love Him. I cannot be confident in myself at all since I know that if without the Lord's mercy, I will definitely fall. Then, by the end of the year, I become much and much busier. The time that I spend with the Lord is less but deep inside of my heart, there is a longing and crying to Him- Lord, I still love You. 

I do not know what is going to happen in my 30s, but Lord, I need Your unreserved self to be with me, to supply me, to encourage me, and become everything I need. I know there are still going to be difficulties and tears. Nevertheless, Lord, increase Yourself even more day by day. 

I love You Lord, and I'm glad that I had "wasted" myself on You in my 20s. I'm glad that I had chosen to follow Your move here although it wasn't my direct vision. I followed because I heard about the encouraging report concerning Europe. Now, I still don't know where to go and how to live my human life but do encourage me to "waste" myself on You in my 30s. 

I love You and I want to follow Your footstep to Germany. Strengthen me, Lord! 

It was the Lord

Sometimes it seems like it was men's decision to do or not to do something. However, I realised that behind men's decisions, it's the Lord's hand moved by a lot of prayers.

One thing just happened and when I saw it, I said, "Praise the Lord". It was indeed the Lord's perfect will behind everything we encounter.  One of the reasons why we need a lot of prayers is also for this. We won't be tossed about by human opinions, feelings, and environment. Instead, when things befall, we can see the Lord's hand moving behind the scene regardless it seems good or bad. For this, I praise You.

As a consecrated person, the Lord's hand is guarding and arranging everything for good.

The repenting spirit during the first weekend's video training (summer)

Booked a later ticket back to Brighton so I had a morning to review what I enjoyed in the video training during the weekend.

#hymn 280 is probably a recap of my spirit during the weekend (http://www.witness-lee-hymns.org/hymns/H0280.html)

Lord, may Thy blood now cleanse me,

Wash all my sins away,
That with Thy Holy Spirit
Thou may anoint, I pray.
My service, I confess, Lord,
Is failure-full and weak;
The filling of Thy Spirit
To live for Thee I seek.

How cold my heart has been, Lord,
How slow obeying Thee;
So fill me with Thy Spirit,
I’ll ne’er rebellious be.

Oh, may Thy Cross within me
Deepen its work and burn
In me enlarge Thy measure,
And me to ashes turn.
Oh, may Thy Spirit fill me
Each day more than before,
And may Thy living water
On me and thru me pour.

Oh, from myself deliver,
From all its misery;
I’d henceforth be forever
Completely filled with Thee.

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Lord, I'm really thankful that You gave us the book of Leviticus. 

A book that trains Your people to live for Your purpose and fulfil Your purpose. 

Make me maintain a kind of living that can fulfil Your purpose as well. 

Deal with my fallen nature so I can be preserved solely for You. 

Gain me, and gain the fellow saints, so that we can be a priesthood that delights You and realise Your will on the heavenlies to the earth. 

This is my prayer, my yearning, and my plea, Lord. 

Happy birthday and a new consecration

I  rose up this morning feeling a bit tired. After my daily routine, I went out for catching the bus, and finally when I sat down in the waiting room at Polegate station. I turned on my phone searching for the life-study programme today and realised, "Aww, it's my birthday".

It's really not a special day. I still have work to do, and I woke up early as usual. I don't feel energetic because, well, you know, ladies have their monthly visitor.

However, it's kinda special because this year will be the very last year for my 20s. Having thought about how I've been through my 20s, it's really the grace of God. The best thing of my 20s is that I heard the call to move to Europe for further study and I took it in. My early 20s was for my preparation to come to Europe in terms of my language, my funding, and my health. My mid-20 was a bit crazy and confusing but I managed to get over all cultural differences and survived in the UK. Between my mid-and late 20s, the Lord brought me to Cardiff for a healthy church life. The time there I saw the miniature of the reality of the church life. This is really how the church life shall look like in Europe. Small, intimate, full of life and personal care but also being kept in the one fellowship with other localities as the universal Body of Christ. My late 20s has been a frustration but now it seems to get slightly better (hopefully). I've learned, and am still learning how to look upon the Lord for anything I need in order to follow Him.

I'm really thankful.

Lord, make the last year of my 20s still follow You faithfully. I love You and I want to see Your smiling face. May whatever we do today can hasten Your coming. We look forward to seeing You :)

You did not choose Me, but I chose you

Somehow I felt tired. I thought I could possibly find some research funding but really it's hard. I actually don't know what to do with this. The pressure for research funding has forced me, again, to come to the Lord.

I can't really do anything but consecrate myself to the Lord. I asked for the Lord's speaking to me what I should do, but the Lord didn't answer me directly with any verses. However, through the conversations with Him, I gradually realised that it was really the Lord's calling for my studying abroad. Before, I was doubting my decision to come to the UK and study PhD was merely a decision out of flesh. This time, while I learned to speak more to Him, the Lord was dealing with me and my inner intention. To an extent, I know that I'm here for the Lord's move in Europe. And I told the Lord, now the responsibility is Yours. I'm just telling You, I need funding.

While reading the gospel of John, a verse in 15:16 came to me. "You did not choose Me, but I chose you, and I set you that you should go forth and bear fruit and that your fruit should remain, that whatever you ask the Father in My Name, He may give you."

This verse touched me. So many times Satan just wanna accuse me of the studying abroad decision was not the Lord's calling. However, it was indeed the Lord's mercy and it was Him who called me here. He used a brother's testimony to make me have a heart to come to Europe. He opened the way so a girl who comes from a poor family can study in the UK. He arranged everything so my application got accepted. While I was living in sister house, He arranged an environment to help me practise English. If it was only me, I didn't even dare to dream of studying abroad and doing a PhD.

Then recently while I again felt worried about my funding, the Lord exposed me, "Do you think I'm not able to do it?". I responded, "Lord, of course You are able." Because of my consecration, the Lord simply asked me to "take care of my heart". As long as my heart is right, He's able to make it happen. This time I have another consecration. I know it's been hard to think this will happen, but I told the Lord if I can get the funding to finish my study and He's able to sort out my visa issue, I will go to FTTL.

Lord, have Your way in Me. My heart is with Your move in Europe.