Run not before Him

Recently, my prayer to the Lord is "Lord, go before me". 

Again when I was trying to take a step forward, I felt anxious about this. Just as I always do- my oversensitive nerves always make me not feel well. I could not fall asleep at night properly. You can not say that I am really anxious, but my super sensitive nerves do not agree. Whenever I want to take a step forward, this always happens. I cannot control. 

This morning, while I was thinking to linger on my bed more due to the lack of sleep at night, my another response was that I shall wake up early because I really need to seek for the Lord at this moment. Then this hymn occurred to me. 

(Hymnal 643) 

Take time to behold Him,

Let Him be thy guide;
And run not before Him
Whatever betide;
In joy or in sorrow
Still follow thy Lord,
And, looking to Jesus,
Still trust in His Word.

Take time to behold Him,
Be calm in thy soul,
Each thought and each temper
Beneath His control.
Thus led by His Spirit
To fountains of love,
Thou then shalt be fitted
His mercy to prove.

__________

The Lord keeps reminding me of not running before Him. I am convicted, and whether the step will lead me further or not, I do not know. But dear Lord, in joy or in sorrow, may I still follow You. Make me look up to You and trust in Your Word. 

I also confess that my soul did not align with the Lord. Whenever my nerves get sensitive, my thoughts can go wild. Oh Lord, cause my soul to be calm and let every thought and temper be under Your control. Lord, I want to be led by the Spirit to fountains of love. Regardless of what might happen, dear Lord, may the fountains of love overwhelm me so I will find mercy at whatever You may lead. 

The attitudes while/after confronting failures

(https://www.facebook.com/DoctorKoWJ/videos/396590987628594/)

Just came across this video. It was Dr Ko, the mayor of Taipei, visiting the northeast of Japan where the Tōhoku earthquake and tsunami took place in the year of 2011. The entire region was swept by the tsunami.

Something came to my mind while watching this video. Instead of fixing obvious problems such as houses and buildings, Japan turned the disaster to an opportunity to rebuild the entire region for a better and safer place to live. They had a complete plan for the regional renewal.

I once had an experience. I considered it as a failure, both spiritually and humanly. Even now, whenever I think of it, I feel bad. As a Christian, I should be able to learn things spiritually and humanly as well. I have to learn to eat the difficulties and become as strong as Caleb in the old testament.

He faileth not, For He is God

He faileth not, for He is God.

"The Lord does not delay regarding the promise, as some count delay, but is long-suffering toward you, not intending that any perish but that all advance to repentance. (2 Peter 3:9)"

I have been praying for my housing during the summer as well as the next academic year. Many things seem quite disappointing, and sometimes I don't know what else I can do anymore. However, this morning, I was shepherded by this verse in 2 Peter and being encouraged that His heart towards us is good. In various situations and even in the things regarding His promise, His heart is not to make us perish but so that we can all advance to repentance and gain Him more.

The day marrying Christ - (2)

Following the last post, as brother Nee fellowshipped, "There must be a definite date to our consecration, in the same way that there is a definite date to a girl's marriage." I then realised that I had never consecrated myself in such a way. Of course, when I first heard the gospel and entered into the church life, I wanted to follow the Lord. As I had gone to various meetings and conferences, it is not a new thing for me to "consecrate" myself to the Lord. I had consecrated myself to Him in many things and ways, and when I read this portion, I realised that I had never properly consecrated myself at least once in my life as if I married myself to the Lord.

It so happened that there have been things that I have not been able to get through. So I started to pray to Him and consider the things and the matter of having an absolute consecration to Him. I realised that consecration is closely related to our overcoming life (see the message shared in the last post), and the ability to overcome does not rest upon us. The ability comes from Him and what He had gone through and achieved for us. So I said to the Lord, I'm still hurt, and hurt badly. This affects my energy to work and enjoy the Lord. I have been striving to enjoy the Lord and doing my work. But You know what? I don't intend to struggle anymore. I have the overcoming life in me, and whether I'll still be sad and not having the proper energy to work, it is not my problem. I now make a choice to let You work in me in this matter, and whether I'll be healed or not, it is Your thing now. 

The experience of the inward parts of Christ and a flavour of obedience

The Lord uses various situations and our feelings to expose me as a person who is not constantly living in the inward parts of Christ. As after the Lord's day meeting, when I was on the way to study, a particular thing just came to my mind again and made me really sad. 

How could it be? As I had already dealt with this matter and had a deal with the Lord. How could the feeling come back and haunt me again? More and more, I realised that my old man, especially my soft feelings, always distracted me from taking and living Christ as the reality. 

However, I enjoyed what had been shared in the prophesying meeting and took it into my experience. Yes, I was still sad, and it was indeed hard to come out from that feeling when sadness just overtook me. Though I struggled, the Lord's grace covered me as I shouted: "Hallelujah!". When we aim to enter into the experience of the inward parts of Christ, we need to reject our old man and then also cultivate the feeling of the sense of the Body (this point was being shared in the meeting through different saints). This requires our "obedience" to Him. 

I amen the point that we need to be obedient to Him. As this is my experience as well. Without my cooperation with the Lord, He doesn't have a way, and he doesn't want to make home in our heart when we are not willing. It is because making home in our heart means to rearrange and remold our inward being as the way He likes. 

So I'm writing this as a reminder to myself. Lord, You know my consecration. Instead of wasting Your time and my time, I would like to exercise my being to take Your will as mine and Your inward parts as mine by adding a flavour of obedience to You and by me rejecting the old man. Lord, may You permeate in me so that I can really be used by You for Your eternal economy. 

It was the Lord

Sometimes it seems like it was men's decision to do or not to do something. However, I realised that behind men's decisions, it's the Lord's hand moved by a lot of prayers.

One thing just happened and when I saw it, I said, "Praise the Lord". It was indeed the Lord's perfect will behind everything we encounter.  One of the reasons why we need a lot of prayers is also for this. We won't be tossed about by human opinions, feelings, and environment. Instead, when things befall, we can see the Lord's hand moving behind the scene regardless it seems good or bad. For this, I praise You.

As a consecrated person, the Lord's hand is guarding and arranging everything for good.

What are the hindrances for the life to be manifested?

John 10:30; 37-38

"I and the Father are one."

"If I do not do the works of My Father, do not believe Me; But if I do them, even if you do not believe Me, believe the works so that you may come to know and continue to know that the Father is in Me and I am in the Father."

Sometimes in the church life, we think we are focusing on life. Because of this, if the work does not seem effective or bearing fruit, we might say "that's okay, it is a matter of life. If it doesn't work out, then don't be too bothered about it because we're not really focusing on the work".

I wasn't sure whether this kind of attitude is okay or not.

However, this morning when I read John chapter 10, I realise that if we really pay attention to life, the life shall manifest at a certain point in the Lord's work. As Jesus is one with the Father, so whatever He did, people should be able to recognise from the work that the Father is in Jesus, and Jesus is in the Father.

Additionally, I read the booklet "expecting the Lord's blessing" from Watchman Nee. If the Lord does not bless us, whatever we do is in vain.

All of these just remind me of my portion in the Lord's move in Europe. I am at where the Lord has placed me, but am I a hindrance for the Lord to pour out His blessing? How about the people I have been shepherding, is there any fruit coming out from me being one with the Father?

Lord, I do not want to fall into introspection but at the same time, I do not want to be fruitless. You must bless me, and if there is anything hindering Your blessing, shine on me and burn them away. I desire to be a cleansed channel for You to flow out!

His petition concerning us causes us not to fail in faith

Luke 22:32 But I have made petition concerning you that your faith would not fail; and you, once you have turned again, establish your brothers.

While eating the Passover feast, the Lord revealed His death to the disciples. And the time when the Lord speaking concerning the disciples and Peter would be stumbled by His death (footnote 1), the record in Luke specifically mentions Simon in the conversations. "Simon, Simon, behold, Satan has asked to have you all to sift you as wheat. But I have made petition concerning you that your faith would not fail; and you, once you have turned again, establish your brothers" (Luke 22: 31-32).

While I read it this morning, I felt the Lord's humanity is sweet and tender toward us. He really knows the healing art.

For example, sometimes I fail in big things, and I trouble myself afterwards. I say to myself, I am a Christian, and why did I fail like this? Was I not being spiritual and not relying on You enough? I can blame myself a lot. Even when I'm encouraged to get over my self-condemnation, it can come back to me again and again. Oh, but my Saviour Lord, He knows that we're going to fail, and He has made petition for us. On our behalf, even before we fail, He was there overseeing and praying for us. Eventually, our failure is not to cause us to turn away from Him but cause us to turn ourselves to Him so that we can establish our fellow believers.

Many times, this is also our experience. We might still be in tears and find it hard to love Him because of our failures. We might be very disappointed about who we are and find it difficult to go on. When we do serve, we doubt ourselves and wonder, Lord, am I still qualified to serve You and follow You?

Oh, He knows, and not only so, what we are going through can be used to establish others. We can fail, but not fail in faith. We might fail for a short while, but not forever. The one remains forever is Himself- the embodiment of the Word and His lovingkindness (Psalm 136; Luke 21:33)

Lord, thank You for having petition for me before I fail. I shall forget the past, and simply focus on You alone. Your intention is not to remove my foreseen failures but to give Yourself to me even more. Cause me always turn my heart to You whenever I feel that I am strong or weak. When my heart turns, You have a way in me and even to others. I love You, Lord.


________________________________________________
*footnote 1: The timing here in Matthew and Mark is different from Luke and John. In Matthew 26:30-35 Mark 14:26-31, Jesus and disciplines went out to the Mount of Olives, and the conversations concerning disciples and Peter would be stumbled followed. Whereas in Luke 22:31-39 and John 13:30-38 indicated the conversations were in the midst of the Passover feast. The record in John did not even mention about their going out to the Mount of Olives.

A getaway to Eastbourne (2) - A burial

Apart from taking a break from my daily routine, one of my purposes to have this trip to Eastbourne is actually to hold a burial for something. I collected some things and ready to burn them and bury them in Eastbourne. This is my offering Issac to the Lord. I'm not trying to make it religious. However, I realised that I didn't take a decent action to make it serious enough so I still struggle. I had already offered my "Issac" to Him, but I realised that I need to take a serious action in order to really "cross the red sea and never go back".

I wrote something on the back of my document, and turned to the front and gave a kiss to it. I know it was my treasure, but it had been bothering me for so long. I gave it a kiss and burned it along with something else that will remind me of it.

A reflection of the half of a year in 2018 before heading off for a break

Dear Lord,

Yesterday I finally got a chance to have a proper break. I give myself at least a week to have a rest. Looking back the past half of a year, I was trying too hard to catch up with my work and balance my church life as well. Then I realised that the work-life balance is a lie. There will never be a balance because the world tries to usurp us with many things, and we often struggle with imperfections in our daily life and work. And most important of all, we need to fight for the church life. In both cases, we often feel that we're not doing good enough. I wish I could have done better in my work, and I wish I could have given myself more to the church life to take care of the young ones. However, the reality is that we struggle a lot and fight for it every day. My attitude now is that we don't need perfectionisms, but we need more Christ and grace daily and hourly.

Because of this, we definitely get tired after a while and we need to have a break from everything else and simply rest physically, mentally, and spiritually.

Check with Him always

It's not guaranteed that I'll reach the destination if I don't pay attention along the journey.

Apart from the cancellation and delays, there are several possible situations. It can be two trains to different directions waiting on the same platform. After getting on the right train, I have to make sure that I'm in the right coach because it can divide and lead me to somewhere else. Even if I do everything right, I still need to pay attention to the announcement and take actions accordingly. It might require me to check which possible trains/routes I can take in order to reach the destination.

Similar to the spiritual experience. Sometimes I thought the leading was clear enough and stop asking Him, and things can change completely. I'm learning not to be confident and place things before Him always.

Things can still vary.

His promise for two things

Recently I've been asking for two main things concerning my future direction. And the reason why I needed to ask Him about these two matters during this particular time is that first, I was struggling and hurt by a certain matter. Without His Rhema Word I cannot go on properly with boldness. And second, these two years will be the best time for me to prepare for these two things. I need to make sure that what I am doing now is with His blessing and He has to grant me the energy to do it.

Previously I just prayed about these two matters but not really asked about the Rhema Words from Him. This time I asked, and I've got these verses from Him in my Bible reading time.

Luke 10:1-4
Now after these things, the Lord appointed seventy others and sent them two by two before His face into every city and place where He Himself was about to come. Ans He said to them, The harvest is great, but the workers few; therefore, beseech the Lord of the harvest that He would thrust out workers into His harvest. Go; behold, I send you as lambs in the midst of wolves. Do not carry a purse, nor a bag, nor sandals; and greet no one on the way. 

"After these things" was recorded by Luke chapter 9. At the end of chapter 9, there were several verses talking about "following the Lord". The Lord spoke to people involved in different situations, He literally called them out of whatever they concerned. He called them to follow Him. And then chapter 10 follows to demonstrate how the Lord sent these disciplines out for His work.

I was originally a bit concerned about whether I should be the person who initiates the Lord's "sending" me to a place that I'm burdened for. However, I shouldn't fall into introspection. What I need to do the most is to pray, to beseech the Lord when I see the need.

In the Cambridge dictionary, to beseech is to ask for something in a way that shows you need it very much.

I've already seen the need, and I have some feeling about this place. What I need is to ask the Lord that I need to join this work very much. I need it because He needs it even more. This is part of His fulfilment of His Word. This corresponds to a ministry portion I've read recently in Samuel life-study. Hannah's prayer might be seemingly human but her prayer matches the need of the Lord. Who needs this prayer the most? God or Hannah? Of course, it is God. Without Hannah's prayer, God has no channel on the earth that He can work. God's needing of Hannah's prayer is even bigger than Hannah's need to have a son. Additionally, because of Hannah's prayer is one with the Lord's will, that's why it is answered by God.

We need to be the ones who mingle ourselves to be one with the Lord's will. Then our desire will be His desire and His desire is ours.

Also, the Lord doesn't send people one by one. Praise the Lord, He's gonna send me with a companion. 




 

The dump spirit has been cast out

Luke 11:14  "And once He was casting out a demon, and it was dumb. And when the demon had gone out, the dumb man spoke, and the crowds marveled".

Speaking for God and speaking forth God is really a spiritual matter. There was a period of time that I found myself not being able to prophesy on the Lord's day meetings as well as speaking God in the small gatherings. I was not so sure what was going on with me. I did have the enjoyment of God during the week and I served the saints by reading or praying together during the weekdays as well. But somehow, I just couldn't speak Him.

I knew that during that time, I was bothered by a certain matter, and I noticed a saint was bothered by that matter as well. So both of us would not be able to speak for the Lord during that time. Now I know what was going on during that time. Both of us were possessed by the dumb spirit. And now, by the Lord's great mercy, we are able to overcome that matter. And now we can speak Him.

Praise the Lord. Do not let us be possessed by the dumb spirit anymore. You have set us free!

My 'training' in the following two years - FTTPhD

After an intensive weekend. I had a real dealing with the Lord for a thing that had been bothering me for months. And now, I'm set free! By the time I was set free, I realised that it is needed for me to move on and put my consecration into actions now.

I have been considering to go to Germany, but recently I have a feeling that I must put this into an action plan. The reason why I did not manage to do it in the previous months after arriving in  Brighton is that I was not sure what kind of research I can do, and what is the direction of my next step after completing my degree, plus I had spent most of my time adjusting to my new church life in Kingston and trying to balance my research and church life. Everything was uncertain and chaotic, but by the end of May, I started having a relatively concrete idea what I can work on, what my research will be, and so forth.

The primary concern to go to Germany is always about the ability to get a job because it relates to the issue of visa and a way to make a living to support myself in Germany. I have seen so many saints leaving Germany because of the problems finding a job there. In order to equip myself with the skills needed for a job and for the gospel, several things I have in mind will need to be put into action.

First, I have to pick up my German again. Learning the language and understanding the culture will help me gain the real locals. Second, I have to complete my study in the following two years, which is challenging. This includes publishing papers, finishing data collection, analysing data, and writing up my thesis. The third one and probably the most important one about my human learning is the truth and the ministry. The truth is like a weapon, and the ministry makes the blind see. Therefore, concerning my study and human learning, I need to make a plan for these.

At the same time, I realise that I probably will not make it to the full-time training in the following years or even before the Lord's coming back. However, I realise the research job I'm doing is already a training to perfect me in various ways. It trains my character, it trains the weakest part of my being- my will. Additionally, it helps me restrict my emotion and properly trains my mind. The Lord has already provided me with a perfect environment to train my being. It is wonderful. I also have the saints from Kingston where I can join the service and practise church life. How wonderful. Hence, I regard the following two years of PhD as my full-time training and I am going to design my course as follows.

1. German lessons
My goal is to pass the B1 exam in June in 2019. I have around 30 mins in the morning for listening to German class and doing some practices. I just started at the beginner's level so I assume I will need more time when I reach a higher level. I've preserved 50 mins for German studying in my schedule. Of course, I also set my short-term goal to reach A1 and A2 level by self-examination.

2. The Truth 
It is hard to tell how much I have known about the truth since I've been following the church life for a long time and have attended various training since I was a young person. Therefore, I will try to make the schedule simple so that I can follow along with my PhD study.

a. Bible reading 

A chapter a day as a base along with footnotes.

b. Prophesying on the Lord's day
This will help me be constituted with truth and follow tightly with the flow. It will also help my morning revival during the weekdays with an aim to prophesy instead of passively enjoying the Lord.

c. The crucial points of the truth
I appreciate the church in London has made the crucial points ready for me. All I have to do is to dig in and absorb all the riches in the Word.

d. Services
- Bible study in Sussex University
- Tea service + children's service
- Shepherding people by appointments (maintain the current schedule)
- Other potential blending and so forth

3. Complete my PhD with three papers
- paper one- the literature review
- paper two- data collection with small entrepreneurship
- paper three- cognitive frames in small businesses
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Of course, I've been building my characters for a proper human living. I just need to really reach these goals so that I can get myself ready for the Lord's move in Germany.

Thank my dear sister Ieva. May we find Him in our two years of training in our individual pathway. Oh Christ!

He's working behind the scenes

It seems like I haven't announced that I've got scholarship to study at another university. I'm grateful that God has arranged this for me. I know for sure that the scholarship was released from God, but of course, it was me who learned how to cooperate with Him by much prayer.

Since the time I arrived Cardiff, I knew that there would be a shortage of funding for me to complete this doctoral degree. During that time, I still tried a lot of things by my own efforts and sought ways to obtain funding. Unfortunately, there was nothing for me. After completing my academic year 2015-2016 for another master course, I realised that I needed to seek for scholarship from different higher education institutions.