Tears

I am staying a little bit late this evening at the office.

I guess I just need some time to be with myself. Gina has flown back home, and finally, when I got a chance to pray with her, we both shed a lot of tears for different reasons.

I'll remember the tears. And may this will be close to the end of the suffering. Have mercy on us, Lord.

Concerning vows

Num. 30:2 When a man vows a vow to Jehovah or swears an oath to bind himself by pledge, he shall not break his word; he shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth.

Num. 30:7 And her husband hears of it and is silent with respect to her on the day he hears it, then her vows will stand and her pledges by which she has bound herself will stand.

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Lord, although we do not have the right over our vows as You are the One who made the final decisions, I still ask You to bless my heart over the vows.

Through our fellowship, You will eventually find favour of my vows and establish them.
Through the process, may I be infused with You, and You will be moved by my desires to serve You and find favour of my vows. 

The nature of a PhD journey, and my practice to disconnect the identity as a PhD

I just had a chat with my colleagues and realised the nature of a PhD indeed cause a lot of stress for us. The fact is, regardless of how you have been acknowledged in other areas of your work, you will still find the PhD journey difficult. You might still be criticised that you are not working hard enough and so on. This happens almost every day, and all of us are very discouraged.

I had a thought that in order to resolve the stress from the research work yet still work it very well, I have to learn to disconnect from my identity as a researcher. I am going to do an experiment about this, and see how it might soothe the stress from work. When a work does not define you or become your identity, you might less likely feel attacked by the criticisms. 

Run not before Him

Recently, my prayer to the Lord is "Lord, go before me". 

Again when I was trying to take a step forward, I felt anxious about this. Just as I always do- my oversensitive nerves always make me not feel well. I could not fall asleep at night properly. You can not say that I am really anxious, but my super sensitive nerves do not agree. Whenever I want to take a step forward, this always happens. I cannot control. 

This morning, while I was thinking to linger on my bed more due to the lack of sleep at night, my another response was that I shall wake up early because I really need to seek for the Lord at this moment. Then this hymn occurred to me. 

(Hymnal 643) 

Take time to behold Him,

Let Him be thy guide;
And run not before Him
Whatever betide;
In joy or in sorrow
Still follow thy Lord,
And, looking to Jesus,
Still trust in His Word.

Take time to behold Him,
Be calm in thy soul,
Each thought and each temper
Beneath His control.
Thus led by His Spirit
To fountains of love,
Thou then shalt be fitted
His mercy to prove.

__________

The Lord keeps reminding me of not running before Him. I am convicted, and whether the step will lead me further or not, I do not know. But dear Lord, in joy or in sorrow, may I still follow You. Make me look up to You and trust in Your Word. 

I also confess that my soul did not align with the Lord. Whenever my nerves get sensitive, my thoughts can go wild. Oh Lord, cause my soul to be calm and let every thought and temper be under Your control. Lord, I want to be led by the Spirit to fountains of love. Regardless of what might happen, dear Lord, may the fountains of love overwhelm me so I will find mercy at whatever You may lead. 

The wilderness for me for Your economy

Even until now, I still don't know why You led me here.

But when I am able to lie down on the field on the way home and talk to You a lot of my feelings, inquire some things, or simply breath You, I sort of know why I am here.

This is the wilderness that You have prepared for me for Your economy. The many conversations between You and me are an eternal memorial between us.

I love You, Lord.

Standing before the Son of Man

I've been quite upset these days, and I have asked the Lord to strengthen me by looking away unto Him. However, perhaps the Lord allows me to have some suffering from these things so that I can be forced to come to Him again, again, and again. 

While I brought these matters to the Lord this morning, I also open to His speaking. And His Word in Luke chapter 21 has refreshed me. From verses 28-36, many Words have touched me. 

"...that the summer is already near...But take heed to yourselves lest perhaps your hearts be weighed down with debauchery and drunkenness and the anxieties of life, and that day come upon you suddenly as a snare...But be watchful...beseeching that you would prevail to escape all these things...and stand before the Son of Man".

The God who has a definite goal with a schedule to accomplish His course

A life-study portion that I enjoyed during my Bible reading time. Sometimes as Christians, we either be too proactive without waiting on the Lord, or we can be over-passive and simply sit and wait the Lord will do something miraculous. Oh, how much we need to be tempered by the Lord in our daily living! 

Whenever we fall into the later situation (being passive) or not too sure how shall we go on, we have to remember that the Lord is also a wonderful example who has a goal with a plan. He knew His overarching goal, and He planned and walked according to the goal. Surely there will be threats either by men or by practical situations (e.g. lack of finance, family problems etc.) but we shall not be afraid nor be threatened. The following is the portion that I enjoy from the life-study while reading Luke chapter 13. We Christians often know the overarching goal in our lifetime and might have received some burden from the Lord in relation to His economy. Though practically, we might be not too sure what the small steps that we shall take. Poverty, pressure, and many things can threaten us to follow the Lord, but may the Lord strengthen us to be those who follow Him with strong faith and boldness. Lord, grant us such a heart so that we can reach the goal with You!