Physically exhausted, but Your presence is here with me

Treu ist Er, der euch beruft, der es auch tun wird. (1. Thessalonicher 5:24)
Faithful is He who calls you, who also will do it. (1 Thes 5:24)

I have been really exhausted physically as the workload becomes heavier. Sometimes, by the end of the day, my Bible reading in the morning feels like something happened two days ago. And while I was having a meeting with my supervisors today, I realised, "hey, it's just Monday, but I feel that it's Thursday now". This is how tiring I am in coping with the work although part of the reasons that I push myself much to complete this is due to my desire to go to Germany. 

I've been picking up German here and there recently although I cannot really spend a good amount of time practising it as I really need to get my PhD done. This includes a lot and a lot of effort. There were moments that I was making fun of myself. "I thought that I come to Europe for the Lord's move, but what am I doing for all the intensive studies here and being isolated from the saints?". Yes, I am so limited in terms of meeting the saints, and my church life is primarily upheld by appointments with the saints, but somehow there is peace within me and the Lord's presence is here with me. I told the Lord a lot of times that I cannot make it, but You have to be faithful to supply me to get through all the process. 

The day marrying Christ - (2)

Following the last post, as brother Nee fellowshipped, "There must be a definite date to our consecration, in the same way that there is a definite date to a girl's marriage." I then realised that I had never consecrated myself in such a way. Of course, when I first heard the gospel and entered into the church life, I wanted to follow the Lord. As I had gone to various meetings and conferences, it is not a new thing for me to "consecrate" myself to the Lord. I had consecrated myself to Him in many things and ways, and when I read this portion, I realised that I had never properly consecrated myself at least once in my life as if I married myself to the Lord.

It so happened that there have been things that I have not been able to get through. So I started to pray to Him and consider the things and the matter of having an absolute consecration to Him. I realised that consecration is closely related to our overcoming life (see the message shared in the last post), and the ability to overcome does not rest upon us. The ability comes from Him and what He had gone through and achieved for us. So I said to the Lord, I'm still hurt, and hurt badly. This affects my energy to work and enjoy the Lord. I have been striving to enjoy the Lord and doing my work. But You know what? I don't intend to struggle anymore. I have the overcoming life in me, and whether I'll still be sad and not having the proper energy to work, it is not my problem. I now make a choice to let You work in me in this matter, and whether I'll be healed or not, it is Your thing now. 

The day marrying Christ -(1)

This evening, I happened to read the Watchman Nee's "Consecration" in Collected Works of Watchman Nee, The (Set 2) Vol. 41, Conferences, messages, and fellowship (1) - message 18.

Several points that I really enjoy.
1) After we experience the overcoming life in us, we then are able to consecrate ourselves.
Many of us think we have consecrated ourselves. However, if we have not experienced the overcoming life, it is not possible to consecrate ourselves- "A Christian first overcomes and then consecrates. If we have broken through in the matter of overcoming, all we have to do today is to consecrate ourselves."

2) The experience of overcoming/victory strengthens us to be obedient to God.
"some think that after one has overcome he does not need to practice obedience anymore. Actually, our overcoming only makes us more able to obey the Lord. Formerly we did not have the strength to obey the Lord. Now that the Lord has accomplished everything for us, we can spontaneously hand over our will and everything to the Lord and allow the Lord to strengthen us with the overcoming life for obedience."

3) The meaning of overcoming/victory- "Victory does not mean just overcoming evil deeds.
Victory means that we no longer live for ourselves but that we live for the Lord while we live on earth every day. We must have the realization that the Lord has purchased us, that we belong to Him, and that we have been married to Him. Those who live in this atmosphere will breathe the heavenly air of holiness. Victory is not a practice of negating things. It is not just a passive deliverance from sin. Victory is an active consecration to the Lord and a fellowship with Him while living on this earth. Unless one reaches this stage, he is not overcoming."

4) Consecrating people, affairs, objects, and ourselves. Amongst them, I am touched by the matter of marrying Christ.
"There must be a definite date to our consecration, in the same way that there is a definite date to a girl's marriage. A girl cannot say, "I think I was married on a certain date." In the same way, we cannot say, "I think I consecrated myself on a certain date." This is something that we need to do before the Lord in a definite way. We should be very clear about this date and never forget it. I consecrated myself to the Lord on February 13, 1922. We can announce our date to others. We can tell those who brought us to the Lord or those who have given us spiritual help. We can even put out an announcement and declare to men as well as to Satan: "I am married to the Lord." Paul said that he had betrothed the Corinthian believers as chaste virgins to the Lord (2 Cor. 11:2)."

The experience of the inward parts of Christ and a flavour of obedience

The Lord uses various situations and our feelings to expose me as a person who is not constantly living in the inward parts of Christ. As after the Lord's day meeting, when I was on the way to study, a particular thing just came to my mind again and made me really sad. 

How could it be? As I had already dealt with this matter and had a deal with the Lord. How could the feeling come back and haunt me again? More and more, I realised that my old man, especially my soft feelings, always distracted me from taking and living Christ as the reality. 

However, I enjoyed what had been shared in the prophesying meeting and took it into my experience. Yes, I was still sad, and it was indeed hard to come out from that feeling when sadness just overtook me. Though I struggled, the Lord's grace covered me as I shouted: "Hallelujah!". When we aim to enter into the experience of the inward parts of Christ, we need to reject our old man and then also cultivate the feeling of the sense of the Body (this point was being shared in the meeting through different saints). This requires our "obedience" to Him. 

I amen the point that we need to be obedient to Him. As this is my experience as well. Without my cooperation with the Lord, He doesn't have a way, and he doesn't want to make home in our heart when we are not willing. It is because making home in our heart means to rearrange and remold our inward being as the way He likes. 

So I'm writing this as a reminder to myself. Lord, You know my consecration. Instead of wasting Your time and my time, I would like to exercise my being to take Your will as mine and Your inward parts as mine by adding a flavour of obedience to You and by me rejecting the old man. Lord, may You permeate in me so that I can really be used by You for Your eternal economy. 

the character of the Lord's worker- not being subjective

It's funny that most of the times when I read the ministry, I thought I knew something. But afterward when I started learning it in my experience, I realised that I knew nothing about a particular lesson. And the lesson concerning being not subjective as a Lord's worker is one of the many examples. 

Actually, it is hard to be not subjective. A person who is generally soft and brings harmony among the people might think he or she is not subjective. It is a danger that we think in this way. We can still be very subjective even if we are people who maintain harmony with others. 

It is again a lesson that takes the breaking of the outer man. The breaking often leaves a mark so that we will be not subjective. I know that there are still so much to learn, but I really open to You, Lord. I want to learn spiritual lessons quicker so that You can gain me as a useful vessel.  

May You have a way in me, and through me, You have a way to others as well. Most important of all, may all the experiences we learn and grow will contribute to the Body of Christ. I admit my limitations to see the Body of Christ in full. However, as I grow in You more, I will see and experience more of the reality. Eventually, all these knowing and experiences will mature us and bring You back. 

I love You, Lord! 

A reflection concerning the character of the Lord's worker

I mean, this is not my first time reading this book. However, the Lord has been exposing my weaknesses as a Lord's worker.

Recently, I have a deep realisation that I'm such a soft person- way too soft. My emotion is easily touched by things and persons, and this very point weakens my work as well. When I said being touched by things and persons, it can mean even positive feelings. Regardless of the positive or negative feelings I sense, they are just as shakable and cannot be used by God.

As many have thought that I'm a relatively stable person, well, I thought that as well until the Lord exposes me. However, I am thankful that the light has come to me now better than later. I do desire to be turned to a real "Peter" who eventually became a stable and solid person who God can use.

"We must remember the principle that God secures ministers before He builds the church. God first looks for ministers, and then He builds the church. The doors in many places can only be opened when God finds suitable and usable ministers. If His ministers and servants are not stable and reliable, these doors will not be opened".

"Thank God that Peter saw his weakness through his failure. His fall was severe and his failure great. He went away and wept. He knew that he could not make it by himself. Many brothers and sisters are likewise fully conscious of their own weakness, instability, and frailty. Let us pray to the Lord, saying, "Lord, I cannot make it!" Many people pray for light, yet very often great failures are a source of great light. These failures can provide as much a light as a severe rebuke or a seething message. A man should prostrate himself before God's word. He should prostrate himself before a severe rebuke. Likewise, he should prostrate himself before a serious failure. Such a failure is a light in itself. God shows through failures the kind of person one is. Peter wept bitterly. But God's mercy was upon him, and he became a real "Peter." He was changed from a weak and shaking person to a solid and stable person, and the door of Pentecost was opened through him. May the Lord be gracious to us so that we will witness a change in our character. Our character has to be changed, and the Lord can change our character. A lazy man can be changed into a diligent man; a talkative man can be changed into a man of few words; an insensitive man can be changed into a man who listens; a man who is afraid of sufferings can be changed into one who is fearless in the face of sufferings; a man who cannot control his body can be changed into one who is a master of his body. In the same way, a weak, shaky, and wobbly man can be changed into a strong, stable, and unwavering man. May the Lord have mercy on us."

Lord, have mercy! Amen. 

A short sharing from the winter training

Recently I enjoy this portion that is also in line with the book of Numbers. The message named "God's keeping power" was originally released by brother Nee to the new believers. I highlighted the specific section I enjoyed concerning the need to eat the Anakim: "Our bread is not only the Word of God, our meat is not only to do His will, our bread is also the Anakim- the difficulties that are in our way". I enjoy that apart from our "spiritual enjoyment", we also need to eat well on Anakim. Caleb was such a person who ate and assimilated a lot of Anakim so he could be a person who was strong and full of vitality even when he reached a much older age.

The Anakim can be bread for us and become our nourishment are nothing to do with any effort from our side but require our eyes set on Him and trust in Him. This is His keeping power. When we humble ourselves before Him, we will be able to stand upon His victory.

My take was that although I do feel frustrated and disappointed by many things (including myself), the One who's more than able to keep me to the end is not me but Him. However, it requires my little cooperation with Him. I need to forget about many other things and simply set my eyes on Him and trust that He is and He is able to keep me (without blemish) from this day to the day of His return.

But in all these things we more than conquer through Him who loved us (Rom 8:37).

Further reading: God's keeping power by Watchman Nee
Corresponding training message: 2018 semiannual training- crystallization-study of the book of Numbers (1)