Do not cast away therefore your boldness

I don't mean to be negative- but there have been so many things that frustrate me.

Not only am I under a lot of pressure (housing, work, and so on) but also my companies and I have been praying for the Lord to open a way for us for a long time but nothing happens.

I remember that one day I was just totally falling apart. Too many things that I was trying to sort out did not work and at the same time, the Lord did not open the way as we prayed. I was just so exhausted, so fed up with everything, and not knowing what to do. I just cried and cried a lot. It seemed that my mental capacity had reached the peak that I couldn't even think. Even if I tried to pray, I could not. I didn't know how to pray about the situation. I was just crying out to Him and tell Him that "I really cannot take this anymore, Lord, save me". Well, my wording was far more desperate. I was so desperate to a point that I would rather give up my life just to go through that situation.

I still don't know how the Lord will arrange for me, but I am really tired. Several times this week, I feel that I will not be able to go on in Him unless He shows mercy, and the Lord used the words in Hebrews to encourage me again.

Concerning service

As Christians grow, we started realising what our portions are and what our services shall be. However, as time goes by, the Lord will rise up some environment. Either our identity will change due to the dynamics in a service team changes or we might simply be put into a situation that we cannot do anything we used to do.

Times like this, the Lord often leads us to realise that we shall change our functions and serve Him in a different way instead of holding onto something we used to have and do.

My recent feeling is that I probably don't serve the Lord in the way that I used to do, but I need to serve Him via more prayers.   

Prayers are always needed. And in my current situations, I shall not be frustrated by not being able to serve Him freely. Instead, I shall serve Him with more and more prayers. Even my work is a way of service.

Going through death and resurrection

Dear C,

So happy to see these lovely and shining faces and very enjoyable to read your sharing! Amen to your experience. Recently I also realise a little bit more concerning the overcoming life in us. Such a life requires us to take the cross and experience death and resurrection. Only those that have gone through death and resurrection can be useful to the master. This echoes your experience concerning dealing with the old man. Once some parts in us are exposed, we grow a little more and realise those we thought to be useful to Him has rendered nothing. Then He has a way to go on in us for His economy. Thank You, Lord!

Hallelujah for His eternal goal! We do open to Your dispensing, Lord.

In Him,

Physically exhausted, but Your presence is here with me

Treu ist Er, der euch beruft, der es auch tun wird. (1. Thessalonicher 5:24)
Faithful is He who calls you, who also will do it. (1 Thes 5:24)

I have been really exhausted physically as the workload becomes heavier. Sometimes, by the end of the day, my Bible reading in the morning feels like something happened two days ago. And while I was having a meeting with my supervisors today, I realised, "hey, it's just Monday, but I feel that it's Thursday now". This is how tiring I am in coping with the work although part of the reasons that I push myself much to complete this is due to my desire to go to Germany. 

I've been picking up German here and there recently although I cannot really spend a good amount of time practising it as I really need to get my PhD done. This includes a lot and a lot of effort. There were moments that I was making fun of myself. "I thought that I come to Europe for the Lord's move, but what am I doing for all the intensive studies here and being isolated from the saints?". Yes, I am so limited in terms of meeting the saints, and my church life is primarily upheld by appointments with the saints, but somehow there is peace within me and the Lord's presence is here with me. I told the Lord a lot of times that I cannot make it, but You have to be faithful to supply me to get through all the process. 

The day marrying Christ - (2)

Following the last post, as brother Nee fellowshipped, "There must be a definite date to our consecration, in the same way that there is a definite date to a girl's marriage." I then realised that I had never consecrated myself in such a way. Of course, when I first heard the gospel and entered into the church life, I wanted to follow the Lord. As I had gone to various meetings and conferences, it is not a new thing for me to "consecrate" myself to the Lord. I had consecrated myself to Him in many things and ways, and when I read this portion, I realised that I had never properly consecrated myself at least once in my life as if I married myself to the Lord.

It so happened that there have been things that I have not been able to get through. So I started to pray to Him and consider the things and the matter of having an absolute consecration to Him. I realised that consecration is closely related to our overcoming life (see the message shared in the last post), and the ability to overcome does not rest upon us. The ability comes from Him and what He had gone through and achieved for us. So I said to the Lord, I'm still hurt, and hurt badly. This affects my energy to work and enjoy the Lord. I have been striving to enjoy the Lord and doing my work. But You know what? I don't intend to struggle anymore. I have the overcoming life in me, and whether I'll still be sad and not having the proper energy to work, it is not my problem. I now make a choice to let You work in me in this matter, and whether I'll be healed or not, it is Your thing now. 

The day marrying Christ -(1)

This evening, I happened to read the Watchman Nee's "Consecration" in Collected Works of Watchman Nee, The (Set 2) Vol. 41, Conferences, messages, and fellowship (1) - message 18.

Several points that I really enjoy.
1) After we experience the overcoming life in us, we then are able to consecrate ourselves.
Many of us think we have consecrated ourselves. However, if we have not experienced the overcoming life, it is not possible to consecrate ourselves- "A Christian first overcomes and then consecrates. If we have broken through in the matter of overcoming, all we have to do today is to consecrate ourselves."

2) The experience of overcoming/victory strengthens us to be obedient to God.
"some think that after one has overcome he does not need to practice obedience anymore. Actually, our overcoming only makes us more able to obey the Lord. Formerly we did not have the strength to obey the Lord. Now that the Lord has accomplished everything for us, we can spontaneously hand over our will and everything to the Lord and allow the Lord to strengthen us with the overcoming life for obedience."

3) The meaning of overcoming/victory- "Victory does not mean just overcoming evil deeds.
Victory means that we no longer live for ourselves but that we live for the Lord while we live on earth every day. We must have the realization that the Lord has purchased us, that we belong to Him, and that we have been married to Him. Those who live in this atmosphere will breathe the heavenly air of holiness. Victory is not a practice of negating things. It is not just a passive deliverance from sin. Victory is an active consecration to the Lord and a fellowship with Him while living on this earth. Unless one reaches this stage, he is not overcoming."

4) Consecrating people, affairs, objects, and ourselves. Amongst them, I am touched by the matter of marrying Christ.
"There must be a definite date to our consecration, in the same way that there is a definite date to a girl's marriage. A girl cannot say, "I think I was married on a certain date." In the same way, we cannot say, "I think I consecrated myself on a certain date." This is something that we need to do before the Lord in a definite way. We should be very clear about this date and never forget it. I consecrated myself to the Lord on February 13, 1922. We can announce our date to others. We can tell those who brought us to the Lord or those who have given us spiritual help. We can even put out an announcement and declare to men as well as to Satan: "I am married to the Lord." Paul said that he had betrothed the Corinthian believers as chaste virgins to the Lord (2 Cor. 11:2)."

The experience of the inward parts of Christ and a flavour of obedience

The Lord uses various situations and our feelings to expose me as a person who is not constantly living in the inward parts of Christ. As after the Lord's day meeting, when I was on the way to study, a particular thing just came to my mind again and made me really sad. 

How could it be? As I had already dealt with this matter and had a deal with the Lord. How could the feeling come back and haunt me again? More and more, I realised that my old man, especially my soft feelings, always distracted me from taking and living Christ as the reality. 

However, I enjoyed what had been shared in the prophesying meeting and took it into my experience. Yes, I was still sad, and it was indeed hard to come out from that feeling when sadness just overtook me. Though I struggled, the Lord's grace covered me as I shouted: "Hallelujah!". When we aim to enter into the experience of the inward parts of Christ, we need to reject our old man and then also cultivate the feeling of the sense of the Body (this point was being shared in the meeting through different saints). This requires our "obedience" to Him. 

I amen the point that we need to be obedient to Him. As this is my experience as well. Without my cooperation with the Lord, He doesn't have a way, and he doesn't want to make home in our heart when we are not willing. It is because making home in our heart means to rearrange and remold our inward being as the way He likes. 

So I'm writing this as a reminder to myself. Lord, You know my consecration. Instead of wasting Your time and my time, I would like to exercise my being to take Your will as mine and Your inward parts as mine by adding a flavour of obedience to You and by me rejecting the old man. Lord, may You permeate in me so that I can really be used by You for Your eternal economy.