A pine tree consecration- a deal with the Lord

On Monday I didn't feel right in the afternoon, so I went out for a walk and prayed. I couldn't find a proper spot in the park because somehow people were walking by although it was drizzling. I walked further to the back of the uni hospital and found a tree. I prayed there. While I prayed, something hit me. Although I didn't know what actually hit me, I realised I was standing under a pine tree. So after prayer, I picked up a pine cone, and may it become a rememberance of my consecration to the Lord.

Staying in Europe, and perhaps, FTTL

Several things I consecreated to the Lord again. First, I told the Lord I want to participate in FTTL. However, due to my contract with the government, I'm obliged to go back to work if I don't find a decent job in Europe (or another option, return the money to the government). That's why I didn't really ask the Lord for this because my stay in Europe also depends on my work status. 

However, the European blending trip has really strengthened my faith. I asked the Lord, "You've brought me this further, how about staying in Europe for Your interests?" I told Him, the vision and move here are so clear, and I've seen them! If You made me see this but asked me to go back, I won't be able to accept this. But if I stay, I need to be constituted with truth otherwise I won't have much use in Your hands. It will be great if I can participate in FTTL. While considering this, I had another feeling that my consititution of truth should start from today. I was reminded that being a Christian is a daily living thing, and I shouldn't simply depend on "if one day I can be in FTTL and be trained". If God opens the way for me to go, praise the Lord. But if not, that's okay. I have peace within because I have human obligations to follow, and no mater I go to FTTL or not, I should always learn to serve in the church life, dispense Christ to others, and be constituted with truth.  

This is the first deal between me and the Lord. Finding a proper job to stay in Europe, and if possible, be able to go to FTTL. I just pray, and may You have Your way. 

My study 

The second thing I fellowshipped with the Lord is the matter of study. There were two points that I mentioned to Him. First, as always, since I have a realisation that I'm not a clever person- at least from the academic aspect, I need His wisdome to learn. On Tuesday when I read the verse in Isaiah 50:4-5 ""The Lord Jehovah has given me the tongue of the instructed, that I should know how to sustain the weary with a word. He awakens me morning by morning; He awakens my ear to hear as an insturcted one, The Lord Jehovah has opened my ear......", I again repented to the Lord that my ears are always not open to understand what the professors want to teach me, so as my capacity to learn is limited. I told the Lord I need to learn how to learn. Make me a proper vessel that I can learn in a way that delights Him. I will regard the professors as the instructors that He assigned to me, and I will try to learn as much as possible from them. Also, since I was in elementary school, the stress of studying has always been a pain. I told the Lord, I cannot study by my own, You know I don't have capacity to do my PhD for I'm not clever and I'm easily get stressed out. My PhD study is initiated by You, and Lord, You must be with me in this.  

Another point concerning my study is that I don't want to simply get a degree. To prepare myself ready for a decent job in academia or in practice in order to stay in Europe, I need to be an excellent researcher. Again, I can't do this. I need Him to help me find a proper topic to work on so I will be able to find a job in the near future which European academia or businesses will be interested. In a sense, I have a burden to provide the financial help for the Lord's move in Europe. 

My marraige

Thirdly, of course, my marriage. I thank the Lord for preserving me these years so instead of jumping into a relationship without care, I'm now mature enough to consider what kind of brothers who I can labour together for His move in Europe. (I kinda suggest a type to Him, but haha, Lord, do what you should do then). Surely, the Lord has the last word, but throughout this process of understanding what kind of brother I'm looking for is a part of the process of understanding myself. 

May the Lord gain my study, my future career, my learning to be perfected in the church life, and my marriage to the propose of His move in Europe. May I be the ones who bring you back, Lord!