Tears

I am staying a little bit late this evening at the office.

I guess I just need some time to be with myself. Gina has flown back home, and finally, when I got a chance to pray with her, we both shed a lot of tears for different reasons.

I'll remember the tears. And may this will be close to the end of the suffering. Have mercy on us, Lord.

Concerning vows

Num. 30:2 When a man vows a vow to Jehovah or swears an oath to bind himself by pledge, he shall not break his word; he shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth.

Num. 30:7 And her husband hears of it and is silent with respect to her on the day he hears it, then her vows will stand and her pledges by which she has bound herself will stand.

----
Lord, although we do not have the right over our vows as You are the One who made the final decisions, I still ask You to bless my heart over the vows.

Through our fellowship, You will eventually find favour of my vows and establish them.
Through the process, may I be infused with You, and You will be moved by my desires to serve You and find favour of my vows. 

The nature of a PhD journey, and my practice to disconnect the identity as a PhD

I just had a chat with my colleagues and realised the nature of a PhD indeed cause a lot of stress for us. The fact is, regardless of how you have been acknowledged in other areas of your work, you will still find the PhD journey difficult. You might still be criticised that you are not working hard enough and so on. This happens almost every day, and all of us are very discouraged.

I had a thought that in order to resolve the stress from the research work yet still work it very well, I have to learn to disconnect from my identity as a researcher. I am going to do an experiment about this, and see how it might soothe the stress from work. When a work does not define you or become your identity, you might less likely feel attacked by the criticisms. 

Run not before Him

Recently, my prayer to the Lord is "Lord, go before me". 

Again when I was trying to take a step forward, I felt anxious about this. Just as I always do- my oversensitive nerves always make me not feel well. I could not fall asleep at night properly. You can not say that I am really anxious, but my super sensitive nerves do not agree. Whenever I want to take a step forward, this always happens. I cannot control. 

This morning, while I was thinking to linger on my bed more due to the lack of sleep at night, my another response was that I shall wake up early because I really need to seek for the Lord at this moment. Then this hymn occurred to me. 

(Hymnal 643) 

Take time to behold Him,

Let Him be thy guide;
And run not before Him
Whatever betide;
In joy or in sorrow
Still follow thy Lord,
And, looking to Jesus,
Still trust in His Word.

Take time to behold Him,
Be calm in thy soul,
Each thought and each temper
Beneath His control.
Thus led by His Spirit
To fountains of love,
Thou then shalt be fitted
His mercy to prove.

__________

The Lord keeps reminding me of not running before Him. I am convicted, and whether the step will lead me further or not, I do not know. But dear Lord, in joy or in sorrow, may I still follow You. Make me look up to You and trust in Your Word. 

I also confess that my soul did not align with the Lord. Whenever my nerves get sensitive, my thoughts can go wild. Oh Lord, cause my soul to be calm and let every thought and temper be under Your control. Lord, I want to be led by the Spirit to fountains of love. Regardless of what might happen, dear Lord, may the fountains of love overwhelm me so I will find mercy at whatever You may lead. 

The wilderness for me for Your economy

Even until now, I still don't know why You led me here.

But when I am able to lie down on the field on the way home and talk to You a lot of my feelings, inquire some things, or simply breath You, I sort of know why I am here.

This is the wilderness that You have prepared for me for Your economy. The many conversations between You and me are an eternal memorial between us.

I love You, Lord.

Standing before the Son of Man

I've been quite upset these days, and I have asked the Lord to strengthen me by looking away unto Him. However, perhaps the Lord allows me to have some suffering from these things so that I can be forced to come to Him again, again, and again. 

While I brought these matters to the Lord this morning, I also open to His speaking. And His Word in Luke chapter 21 has refreshed me. From verses 28-36, many Words have touched me. 

"...that the summer is already near...But take heed to yourselves lest perhaps your hearts be weighed down with debauchery and drunkenness and the anxieties of life, and that day come upon you suddenly as a snare...But be watchful...beseeching that you would prevail to escape all these things...and stand before the Son of Man".

The God who has a definite goal with a schedule to accomplish His course

A life-study portion that I enjoyed during my Bible reading time. Sometimes as Christians, we either be too proactive without waiting on the Lord, or we can be over-passive and simply sit and wait the Lord will do something miraculous. Oh, how much we need to be tempered by the Lord in our daily living! 

Whenever we fall into the later situation (being passive) or not too sure how shall we go on, we have to remember that the Lord is also a wonderful example who has a goal with a plan. He knew His overarching goal, and He planned and walked according to the goal. Surely there will be threats either by men or by practical situations (e.g. lack of finance, family problems etc.) but we shall not be afraid nor be threatened. The following is the portion that I enjoy from the life-study while reading Luke chapter 13. We Christians often know the overarching goal in our lifetime and might have received some burden from the Lord in relation to His economy. Though practically, we might be not too sure what the small steps that we shall take. Poverty, pressure, and many things can threaten us to follow the Lord, but may the Lord strengthen us to be those who follow Him with strong faith and boldness. Lord, grant us such a heart so that we can reach the goal with You! 

Concerning anxiety and be ready in Luke chapter 12

Because of NACT so I'm coming back to read the gospel of Luke recently, and something points in chapter 12 refresh me a lot. I have enjoyed a lot of points but I'll just highlight something that I didn't consider much before.

1. Concerning anxiety
Many verses in the first half of the chapter mention dealing with anxiety. Verses 30-31 are fresh to me this time. "For all these things the Gentiles of the world are anxiously seeking but your Father knows that you need these things. However, seek His kingdom, and these things shall be added to you".

Ich komm zu Dir, o Herr (I come to Thee, dear Lord)

#318

1 Ich komm zu Dir, o Herr,
Es dürstet mich nach Dir;
Von Dir ich ess, von Dir ich trink,
In Dir mich ganz verlier.

2 Dein Angesicht zu sehn,
Ist meines Herzens Schrei;
Ich trinke sehnlich, Herr, von Dir,
Mein Durst erlischt dabei.

3 Mein Herz erfreut's, zu sehn
Dein helles Angesicht;
Hier will ich bleiben immerdar,
Beständig schauen Dich.
In solch Gemeinschaft, Herr,

Blessed are those who weep now, for you shall laugh

Blessed are those who hunger now, for you shall be satisfied. Blessed are those who weep now, for you shall laugh. (Luke 6:21)


Thank You for the Word of encouragement.

Praying for a window of opportunity in relation to migration

This only occurs to me recently. In relation to migration, a window of opportunity is important. 

Quite a long time ago, a sister said to me that sister L was able to use a certain visa to go to Germany because she seized this opportunity. That type of visa only opened for a short period of time and she caught up this opportunity. 

I do keep this in mind but it only started making more sense recently. 

Recently, one of my advisors is going to France. I thought he just randomly found an opportunity through his network, and that was it. However, when I chatted with him, he mentioned that because there are many mergings going on among business schools in France at the moment, he thought it was a good opportunity and decided to go. "A window of opportunity" was mentioned several times by my advisor. 

你的信救了你-意志主動的要

「你的信救了你，平平安安的去罷！你的災病痊愈了。」（馬可福音五34）


馬可福音中有一位患了血漏的女人，由於她的病是那麼難以啟口，而眾人又擁擠著耶穌，這使她心中興起一個念頭：「我只摸祂的衣裳，就必痊癒。」在耶穌尚未回應之前，她已相信，已有決心，已有行動！耶穌頓時感覺有能力從祂身上出來，這個女人的病也立刻完全好了。

「你的信救了你」是說明她的行動，乃是出於她裡面的信心；惟有以信心去接觸主，才能得著主的醫治。患血漏的女人只從心裡禱告，就得了主的醫治；可見禱告蒙主垂聽，在乎存心，不在乎話語。我們若伸出信心的手來摸主，主的能力也必能使我們勝過難處。

今天也有多少人終日圍繞耶穌，靠近耶穌，但都沒有摸著祂。雖然也讀聖經、唱詩歌、敬拜主，卻沒有舉起信心的手去摸耶穌。


【職事信息－意志主動的要】

Responding to and realising His move

None of us can really know what life will bring us and take us to. 

I put this conversation with Him concerning the recent burden of the church in London to "migrate". To be honest, whether we have a heart is one matter, but what the Lord thinks how we shall respond to this move is another matter. Even today, I still cannot be sure, but when I read the Word this morning, this footnote inspired me. 

"This book (the book of revelation) stresses not only the Spirit of God as the sevenfold intensified Spirit for God's intensified move, but also our human spirit as the organ for us to realize and respond to God's move. Only spirit (our spirit) can respond to Spirit (God's Spirit)... " (Revelation 1:10 ft.1). This partly answers my inquiries to the Lord concerning His move. 

I actually came across this cross-reference for "in spirit" from verse 4:2. "Immediately I was in spirit; and behold, there was a throne set in heaven, and upon the throne there was One sitting". I was touched by the fact that only in our spirit, we can see the throne and see the very dear One whom we fervently love and eagerly await sitting on the throne. If we want to see Him at where we are and in our personal situation, we have to be in our spirit. 

I am the Alpha and the Omega

Recently several verses have been coming to me when I consider the completion of my PhD, and I happened to start my Bible reading in the book of revelation so I am also refreshed by these verses again and again. These verses are:

I am the Alpha and the Omega, says the Lord God, He who is and who was and who is coming, the Almighty. (Rev. 1:8)

And when I saw Him, I fell at His feet as dead; and He placed His right hand on me, saying, Do not fear, I am the First and the Last (Rev 1:17).

I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End. (Rev.22:13)

The annual review taken place on Monday seems to indicate that I will need an extra year after my year 3 to complete my PhD. However, not only that I have no money for paying the tuition afterwards but also I don't think I would like to stay for one more year as my feeling to go to Germany is great. On my part, I can only try to work much harder in order to catch up on the progress. Although during the process I also ask the Lord about the completion of my PhD. "Was it a mistake that I came for the PhD programme?", and immediately followed the feeling that "the Lord is never wrong". I know that the Lord could have stopped me many times if He does not want me to come to the UK for this degree, but He just kept opening the way for me. I know that without the Lord, it is even impossible for me to continue my study.

The example of Joseph

Probably because I have been struggling with my work and considering the future direction, the Lord has been reminding me of the example of Joseph in Genesis in the recent week.

There are several things that I touched, but I will just put the message I listened to this evening (https://tinyurl.com/yyw8nbak).

It was quite an enlightening message for young adults. The flesh, self, and natural concepts need to be dealt with via losing our soul life.

I enjoy several practical points including our work attitudes need to be perfected, our relationships with God and men shall be full of peace, and we shall pursue to grow in life.

One of the examples is the Joseph in Genesis. He had been dealt with by various situations arranged by the wise and loving God, and eventually, he became a person of life who provided food to save those who came to Him.

These practices pretty much define whether we can be used for the Lord to turn this age. Oh Lord, don't want to be left out.

Sustain me, Lord

Sometimes we think that in order to care for the Body of Christ, we should pray the prayers that are sheerly for the saints, the church. However, I am realising a little bit more that as a member of the Body, I shall also pray for myself. 

 I pray "Lord, sustain me so that I can pray as an appointed watchman who reminds You until You establish and until You make Jerusalem a praise in the earth (Isa 62:6-7)".

"Lord, sustain me so Your interests on the earth can be cared for. Care for me so that I can lay the track for You to come back. Let not the busyness, tiredness, and various stress consume me. Lord, preserve me so I can be a part to fulfill Your heart's desire". 

Lord, I entrust my life to You. Be the strength within and the power without so that I can go on as the going on of the Body. 

The attitudes while/after confronting failures

(https://www.facebook.com/DoctorKoWJ/videos/396590987628594/)

Just came across this video. It was Dr Ko, the mayor of Taipei, visiting the northeast of Japan where the Tōhoku earthquake and tsunami took place in the year of 2011. The entire region was swept by the tsunami.

Something came to my mind while watching this video. Instead of fixing obvious problems such as houses and buildings, Japan turned the disaster to an opportunity to rebuild the entire region for a better and safer place to live. They had a complete plan for the regional renewal.

I once had an experience. I considered it as a failure, both spiritually and humanly. Even now, whenever I think of it, I feel bad. As a Christian, I should be able to learn things spiritually and humanly as well. I have to learn to eat the difficulties and become as strong as Caleb in the old testament.

Reflection (2) - recharge, conversations with myself and the Lord

Recently, I have a feeling that I need to come to the Lord just to reflect and to reconsider this coming year. Of course, due to various reasons, I would like to complete my thesis in this coming year and go to Germany, but seriously, there seems to be a long way to go. So today, after almost doing nothing, I come to this video concerning George Müller whose testimony has always been an encouragement to me (https://tinyurl.com/yym9e3bd).

There are several things in my mind that I am seeking the Lord.

1) What is my calling in my life course in relation to my occupation and career?
2) Where I am called to move to?
3) What have I set my mind for in order to complete this PhD in this coming year?

Reflection (1) - the eventful May

Since the end of April, I have been busy until today that I can finally have a break and do some reflection. 

Something I have done this month. 

1. One week back home

I took a week away from my work back to Taiwan for dental checks, for chiropractic check, for traditional Chinese clinical check. I wanted to do a thorough health check but the time just wasn't enough for me to complete everything. I enjoyed a little bit of pleasure from nice massage sessions (this included traditional treatments. :) After all these treatments and health checks, I really feel much better from my constant fatigue and pains in my body. I am thankful that the Lord was helping me deal with all these problems in such a limited time. I also visited my companion's mum - she recently passed away so both of us visited her at a cemetery. 

He faileth not, For He is God

He faileth not, for He is God.

"The Lord does not delay regarding the promise, as some count delay, but is long-suffering toward you, not intending that any perish but that all advance to repentance. (2 Peter 3:9)"

I have been praying for my housing during the summer as well as the next academic year. Many things seem quite disappointing, and sometimes I don't know what else I can do anymore. However, this morning, I was shepherded by this verse in 2 Peter and being encouraged that His heart towards us is good. In various situations and even in the things regarding His promise, His heart is not to make us perish but so that we can all advance to repentance and gain Him more.

The God who hides Himself

親愛的Ｍ，

看到你的信件真的很感動。覺得妳是上帝派來的天使呢！

其實來到英國讀博士班，也是主對我的呼召，希望藉著讀書將這大好信息傳到校園，並在之後藉著在職服事能供給教會及校園福音的需要。來到歐洲也讓我慢慢了解，正因為他們濃厚的宗教背景，上帝對他們來說只是宗教跟文化而非他們實際的救主，慢慢了解到上帝為什麼帶我到這裡來。然而這一年多來，課業、體力、財務等各方面的壓力愈來愈大，讓我覺得搆不上為主服事的心願。正覺得愛主的心是否冷淡而難過，也為自己無法兼顧課業和服事只能專心課業的當下而氣餒時，看到你的信件覺得很受激勵，而你分享的經節似乎也是上帝對我的說話。

我想所有奉獻自己給主的基督徒，並非一帆風順，即便想服事主，也要經過一些考驗。正如我們的生活有高有低，服事也是。你的分享，讓我知道當下只能專心課業是神所安排的環境，為要使我知道，我能否服事祂，不在於我的能力。另外我也不需氣餒，當下的環境不能磨損服事祂的心願，反而需要更多親近尋求祂－我想祂看重我們在過程中與祂的交流過於我們外面做的事。待時候到了，祂會帶領我們在適當的機會裡服事祂。

Do not cast away therefore your boldness

I don't mean to be negative- but there have been so many things that frustrate me.

Not only am I under a lot of pressure (housing, work, and so on) but also my companies and I have been praying for the Lord to open a way for us for a long time but nothing happens.

I remember that one day I was just totally falling apart. Too many things that I was trying to sort out did not work and at the same time, the Lord did not open the way as we prayed. I was just so exhausted, so fed up with everything, and not knowing what to do. I just cried and cried a lot. It seemed that my mental capacity had reached the peak that I couldn't even think. Even if I tried to pray, I could not. I didn't know how to pray about the situation. I was just crying out to Him and tell Him that "I really cannot take this anymore, Lord, save me". Well, my wording was far more desperate. I was so desperate to a point that I would rather give up my life just to go through that situation.

I still don't know how the Lord will arrange for me, but I am really tired. Several times this week, I feel that I will not be able to go on in Him unless He shows mercy, and the Lord used the words in Hebrews to encourage me again.

Concerning service

As Christians grow, we started realising what our portions are and what our services shall be. However, as time goes by, the Lord will rise up some environment. Either our identity will change due to the dynamics in a service team changes or we might simply be put into a situation that we cannot do anything we used to do.

Times like this, the Lord often leads us to realise that we shall change our functions and serve Him in a different way instead of holding onto something we used to have and do.

My recent feeling is that I probably don't serve the Lord in the way that I used to do, but I need to serve Him via more prayers.   

Prayers are always needed. And in my current situations, I shall not be frustrated by not being able to serve Him freely. Instead, I shall serve Him with more and more prayers. Even my work is a way of service.

Going through death and resurrection

Dear C,

So happy to see these lovely and shining faces and very enjoyable to read your sharing! Amen to your experience. Recently I also realise a little bit more concerning the overcoming life in us. Such a life requires us to take the cross and experience death and resurrection. Only those that have gone through death and resurrection can be useful to the master. This echoes your experience concerning dealing with the old man. Once some parts in us are exposed, we grow a little more and realise those we thought to be useful to Him has rendered nothing. Then He has a way to go on in us for His economy. Thank You, Lord!

Hallelujah for His eternal goal! We do open to Your dispensing, Lord.

In Him,

Physically exhausted, but Your presence is here with me

Treu ist Er, der euch beruft, der es auch tun wird. (1. Thessalonicher 5:24)
Faithful is He who calls you, who also will do it. (1 Thes 5:24)

I have been really exhausted physically as the workload becomes heavier. Sometimes, by the end of the day, my Bible reading in the morning feels like something happened two days ago. And while I was having a meeting with my supervisors today, I realised, "hey, it's just Monday, but I feel that it's Thursday now". This is how tiring I am in coping with the work although part of the reasons that I push myself much to complete this is due to my desire to go to Germany. 

I've been picking up German here and there recently although I cannot really spend a good amount of time practising it as I really need to get my PhD done. This includes a lot and a lot of effort. There were moments that I was making fun of myself. "I thought that I come to Europe for the Lord's move, but what am I doing for all the intensive studies here and being isolated from the saints?". Yes, I am so limited in terms of meeting the saints, and my church life is primarily upheld by appointments with the saints, but somehow there is peace within me and the Lord's presence is here with me. I told the Lord a lot of times that I cannot make it, but You have to be faithful to supply me to get through all the process. 

The day marrying Christ - (2)

Following the last post, as brother Nee fellowshipped, "There must be a definite date to our consecration, in the same way that there is a definite date to a girl's marriage." I then realised that I had never consecrated myself in such a way. Of course, when I first heard the gospel and entered into the church life, I wanted to follow the Lord. As I had gone to various meetings and conferences, it is not a new thing for me to "consecrate" myself to the Lord. I had consecrated myself to Him in many things and ways, and when I read this portion, I realised that I had never properly consecrated myself at least once in my life as if I married myself to the Lord.

It so happened that there have been things that I have not been able to get through. So I started to pray to Him and consider the things and the matter of having an absolute consecration to Him. I realised that consecration is closely related to our overcoming life (see the message shared in the last post), and the ability to overcome does not rest upon us. The ability comes from Him and what He had gone through and achieved for us. So I said to the Lord, I'm still hurt, and hurt badly. This affects my energy to work and enjoy the Lord. I have been striving to enjoy the Lord and doing my work. But You know what? I don't intend to struggle anymore. I have the overcoming life in me, and whether I'll still be sad and not having the proper energy to work, it is not my problem. I now make a choice to let You work in me in this matter, and whether I'll be healed or not, it is Your thing now. 

The day marrying Christ -(1)

This evening, I happened to read the Watchman Nee's "Consecration" in Collected Works of Watchman Nee, The (Set 2) Vol. 41, Conferences, messages, and fellowship (1) - message 18.

Several points that I really enjoy.
1) After we experience the overcoming life in us, we then are able to consecrate ourselves.
Many of us think we have consecrated ourselves. However, if we have not experienced the overcoming life, it is not possible to consecrate ourselves- "A Christian first overcomes and then consecrates. If we have broken through in the matter of overcoming, all we have to do today is to consecrate ourselves."

2) The experience of overcoming/victory strengthens us to be obedient to God.
"some think that after one has overcome he does not need to practice obedience anymore. Actually, our overcoming only makes us more able to obey the Lord. Formerly we did not have the strength to obey the Lord. Now that the Lord has accomplished everything for us, we can spontaneously hand over our will and everything to the Lord and allow the Lord to strengthen us with the overcoming life for obedience."

3) The meaning of overcoming/victory- "Victory does not mean just overcoming evil deeds.
Victory means that we no longer live for ourselves but that we live for the Lord while we live on earth every day. We must have the realization that the Lord has purchased us, that we belong to Him, and that we have been married to Him. Those who live in this atmosphere will breathe the heavenly air of holiness. Victory is not a practice of negating things. It is not just a passive deliverance from sin. Victory is an active consecration to the Lord and a fellowship with Him while living on this earth. Unless one reaches this stage, he is not overcoming."

4) Consecrating people, affairs, objects, and ourselves. Amongst them, I am touched by the matter of marrying Christ.
"There must be a definite date to our consecration, in the same way that there is a definite date to a girl's marriage. A girl cannot say, "I think I was married on a certain date." In the same way, we cannot say, "I think I consecrated myself on a certain date." This is something that we need to do before the Lord in a definite way. We should be very clear about this date and never forget it. I consecrated myself to the Lord on February 13, 1922. We can announce our date to others. We can tell those who brought us to the Lord or those who have given us spiritual help. We can even put out an announcement and declare to men as well as to Satan: "I am married to the Lord." Paul said that he had betrothed the Corinthian believers as chaste virgins to the Lord (2 Cor. 11:2)."

The experience of the inward parts of Christ and a flavour of obedience

The Lord uses various situations and our feelings to expose me as a person who is not constantly living in the inward parts of Christ. As after the Lord's day meeting, when I was on the way to study, a particular thing just came to my mind again and made me really sad. 

How could it be? As I had already dealt with this matter and had a deal with the Lord. How could the feeling come back and haunt me again? More and more, I realised that my old man, especially my soft feelings, always distracted me from taking and living Christ as the reality. 

However, I enjoyed what had been shared in the prophesying meeting and took it into my experience. Yes, I was still sad, and it was indeed hard to come out from that feeling when sadness just overtook me. Though I struggled, the Lord's grace covered me as I shouted: "Hallelujah!". When we aim to enter into the experience of the inward parts of Christ, we need to reject our old man and then also cultivate the feeling of the sense of the Body (this point was being shared in the meeting through different saints). This requires our "obedience" to Him. 

I amen the point that we need to be obedient to Him. As this is my experience as well. Without my cooperation with the Lord, He doesn't have a way, and he doesn't want to make home in our heart when we are not willing. It is because making home in our heart means to rearrange and remold our inward being as the way He likes. 

So I'm writing this as a reminder to myself. Lord, You know my consecration. Instead of wasting Your time and my time, I would like to exercise my being to take Your will as mine and Your inward parts as mine by adding a flavour of obedience to You and by me rejecting the old man. Lord, may You permeate in me so that I can really be used by You for Your eternal economy. 

the character of the Lord's worker- not being subjective

It's funny that most of the times when I read the ministry, I thought I knew something. But afterward when I started learning it in my experience, I realised that I knew nothing about a particular lesson. And the lesson concerning being not subjective as a Lord's worker is one of the many examples. 

Actually, it is hard to be not subjective. A person who is generally soft and brings harmony among the people might think he or she is not subjective. It is a danger that we think in this way. We can still be very subjective even if we are people who maintain harmony with others. 

It is again a lesson that takes the breaking of the outer man. The breaking often leaves a mark so that we will be not subjective. I know that there are still so much to learn, but I really open to You, Lord. I want to learn spiritual lessons quicker so that You can gain me as a useful vessel.  

May You have a way in me, and through me, You have a way to others as well. Most important of all, may all the experiences we learn and grow will contribute to the Body of Christ. I admit my limitations to see the Body of Christ in full. However, as I grow in You more, I will see and experience more of the reality. Eventually, all these knowing and experiences will mature us and bring You back. 

I love You, Lord! 

A reflection concerning the character of the Lord's worker

I mean, this is not my first time reading this book. However, the Lord has been exposing my weaknesses as a Lord's worker.

Recently, I have a deep realisation that I'm such a soft person- way too soft. My emotion is easily touched by things and persons, and this very point weakens my work as well. When I said being touched by things and persons, it can mean even positive feelings. Regardless of the positive or negative feelings I sense, they are just as shakable and cannot be used by God.

As many have thought that I'm a relatively stable person, well, I thought that as well until the Lord exposes me. However, I am thankful that the light has come to me now better than later. I do desire to be turned to a real "Peter" who eventually became a stable and solid person who God can use.

"We must remember the principle that God secures ministers before He builds the church. God first looks for ministers, and then He builds the church. The doors in many places can only be opened when God finds suitable and usable ministers. If His ministers and servants are not stable and reliable, these doors will not be opened".

"Thank God that Peter saw his weakness through his failure. His fall was severe and his failure great. He went away and wept. He knew that he could not make it by himself. Many brothers and sisters are likewise fully conscious of their own weakness, instability, and frailty. Let us pray to the Lord, saying, "Lord, I cannot make it!" Many people pray for light, yet very often great failures are a source of great light. These failures can provide as much a light as a severe rebuke or a seething message. A man should prostrate himself before God's word. He should prostrate himself before a severe rebuke. Likewise, he should prostrate himself before a serious failure. Such a failure is a light in itself. God shows through failures the kind of person one is. Peter wept bitterly. But God's mercy was upon him, and he became a real "Peter." He was changed from a weak and shaking person to a solid and stable person, and the door of Pentecost was opened through him. May the Lord be gracious to us so that we will witness a change in our character. Our character has to be changed, and the Lord can change our character. A lazy man can be changed into a diligent man; a talkative man can be changed into a man of few words; an insensitive man can be changed into a man who listens; a man who is afraid of sufferings can be changed into one who is fearless in the face of sufferings; a man who cannot control his body can be changed into one who is a master of his body. In the same way, a weak, shaky, and wobbly man can be changed into a strong, stable, and unwavering man. May the Lord have mercy on us."

Lord, have mercy! Amen. 

A short sharing from the winter training

Recently I enjoy this portion that is also in line with the book of Numbers. The message named "God's keeping power" was originally released by brother Nee to the new believers. I highlighted the specific section I enjoyed concerning the need to eat the Anakim: "Our bread is not only the Word of God, our meat is not only to do His will, our bread is also the Anakim- the difficulties that are in our way". I enjoy that apart from our "spiritual enjoyment", we also need to eat well on Anakim. Caleb was such a person who ate and assimilated a lot of Anakim so he could be a person who was strong and full of vitality even when he reached a much older age.

The Anakim can be bread for us and become our nourishment are nothing to do with any effort from our side but require our eyes set on Him and trust in Him. This is His keeping power. When we humble ourselves before Him, we will be able to stand upon His victory.

My take was that although I do feel frustrated and disappointed by many things (including myself), the One who's more than able to keep me to the end is not me but Him. However, it requires my little cooperation with Him. I need to forget about many other things and simply set my eyes on Him and trust that He is and He is able to keep me (without blemish) from this day to the day of His return.

But in all these things we more than conquer through Him who loved us (Rom 8:37).

Further reading: God's keeping power by Watchman Nee
Corresponding training message: 2018 semiannual training- crystallization-study of the book of Numbers (1)

A new beginning with the Lord in 2019

I'm glad that 2018 had come to an end. It is officially the year of 2019. It was a great kickoff to pray with the saints in Stuggart throughout the new year and had a foretaste of the German craziness via watching them setting off fireworks. I am very thankful that the Lord has set out many opportunities for us to have a new beginning with Him.

2018 had been really tough for me for so many reasons. When I had a brief reflection on the 1st day of 2019, the Lord reminded me that I can simply forget the things behind and left all things (good and bad) in 2018 and move forward without hindrances. So far I have enjoyed some sweet blending, a prayer meeting and a sister meeting at Stuggart. It is a great start and for this, I thank You, Lord.

Interestingly, I came across these verses in Deuteronomy chapter 11 and it helps me to consecrate myself to the Lord freshly again.

11:11-16

But the land into which you are crossing over to possess is a land of mountains and valleys; by virtue of heaven's rain, it drinks in water. It is a land which Jehovah your God cares for; always the eyes of Jehovah your God are upon it, from the beginning of the year even to the end of the year. And if you are certain to listen to my commandments, which I am commanding you today, to love Jehovah your God and serve Him with all your heart and with all your soul, I will give rain for your land in its season, the early rain and the late rain, so that you may gather your grain and your new wine and your fresh oil. And I will put grass in your field for your cattle, and you will eat and be satisfied. Be careful lest your heart be deceived, and you turn aside and serve other gods and bow down to them,

11:24    

Every place on which the sole of your foot treads will be yours; from the wilderness and Lebanon, from the river, the river Euphrates, even to the farmost sea will be your territory.

11:31-32

For you are about to cross over the Jordan to enter and possess the land which Jehovah your God is giving you; and you will possess it and dwell in it. Therefore be certain to do all the statutes and judgments that I am setting before you today.

Oh Lord, thank You for encouraging me with these verses. May the year 2019 be an advancement in gaining my coordination to realise Your promise!